Its a Little More About Me Again....

I feel like I have battled depression all my life and that it will never end, they try all kinds of meds they work a while and then i have to change nothing works forever I guess thats the way it is in life...It us sad u feel like in my life unhappiness lasts and happiness is just a fleeting thing. When good things happen they go away but the bad things stay for ever haunting you or me in this case.  I have so many bad memeries if i could forget them i would have no memories I think.  I am always afraid of change and of looseing what I am comfortable with I guess that comes from moving around when i was a kid, not knowing if we would stay or go back home to the violence and depression, but always knew we would go back, it never lasted going away, when we went away at least there was a little peace.. I felt so guilty growing up always wishing  i could just die, that i was never born, I felt I was to blame for every bad thing that happen to my mom me and my sister, if i had not of been born it would of been so much better for them,  I know that was a childish way of thinking and its not necessarily true, but i still feel a twinge of guiltyness. its gone on that way for my life the feeling of guilt and fear.I am extreemly shy, painfully shy i been told i was.  i do not have much trust in people, I want to be happy but I am afraid, because happiness is always taken away... and I know thats my fault too. I know everyone is in charge of their happiness, just not sure how to be happy anymore.. the last few years nothing in my life has gone rite i have lost and lost, started over and over just cannot get it right.  I cannot work because of my mental illmess and physical health, i am trying for SSI was turned down 4 times and starting over again. on that I have a lawyer he believes we will get it , all my doctors says they don't understand why i was not awarded it, but i wonder why maybe i am just doomed to be nothing have nothing I pray sometimes i wonder if god hears I just wish he would let me know it he does.  I am blessed in many ways but i also feel dammed too...

dolphinsangel dolphinsangel
51-55, F
1 Response Mar 17, 2009

The beautiful thing about screwing up over and over again is that you will eventually learn how to get it correct. As long as you dont give up. As long as you keep saying one more time. You will eventually succeed!<br />
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And about happiness, well alot of us push away from happiness because we are comfortable living in depression. Its our comfortzone. But for us to let go and be happy. It is scarey. It is scarey because with happiness comes alot of other emotions that we dont want to deal with.<br />
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But to be honest, for me, I would be hanged by my teeth on a string of happiness, them rest peacefully is a bed of depression...<br />
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I hope this in some way helps you