Losing My Battle...

I'm 21 and in college, and I've been having depression since I was a little kid. The weird thing is that I live a "good" life. My parents are well off, I always get what I want and our family is really close and we all love each other. Put anyone into my life and they should be happy, but I'm not...

I don't know how to explain it, but life just seems so meaningless to me. I've spent years asking God for help, and now I'm up to the point that I no longer feel like I believe in Him. This has put me in a worse mood lately.

I don't have trouble making friends, yet I still feel so alone all the time. I always feel like I don't have a close friend; that all my friends are just my friends because they can get something out of me. I've never been in a relationship, and I really don't know why...I've just gotten my heart broken a lot.

I don't see the point in having to bust your butt off working for years in your life...just to die in the end. I don't see the point in doing anything since all we do is die. It seems like I just want to live day by day doing nothing and die. I've tried taking my own life twice, but both times I ended up in the hospital. I've been receiving treatment for a while now, and I've been on a ton of different meds. However, I don't feel like I can change. My therapist put it this way: I feel like I'm the hopeless case and that nothing can fix me or put me in a better path, and to tell you the truth, I don't care.

I've stopped caring about a lot of things. I used to love music, art, and videogames. I've got all of these at home right now, yet I barely find the motivation to move 2 feet and do stuff. I don't even go to class anymore (and I used to be a great student back in highschool).

I don't know...I'm tired of having to repeat my story 9123012 times, and I just feel like this is my last cry for help, cuz I can't take it anymore. No, I don't plan to kill myself...but I just plan to stop doing anything, and just live like a bum (I think I would like that).

Anyways, in a nutshell, I'm severly depressed, underweight and anxious (OCD)...I just think I'm gonna go insane one day...

qwertypie qwertypie
2 Responses Mar 18, 2009

hmmmmm, well I can give you advice im not sure if you would take it or not. You need a change. You have been keeping yourself in the comfort zone because it is easy. I suggest to pack your bags and leave to a different country for a year or two. Have a total change of life style. A change in location, culture, language, food. <br />
because if you had to work hard for something you would be happier and appericiate it more .. but thats just my suggestion

"I don't feel like I can change" that is were I think your problem lies because I feel the same but I am trying to defeat that line of thought. Not believing in it would keep me in the same place that I have been for the last 20 years and let me tell you I am tired of being stuck there. Don't take the easy path that your depression is offering you, a path of emptiness and despair. If you want you can try to do some volunteer work that can help you look at your problems from a new perspective and perhaps put you on the right path. That path is hard but is the only one to live your life to the fullest.