I Want It to Be Better.

well, im day. im 15. i live in a small town in north dakota. for only being 15 ive gone through alot of life, too much to handle at times.  i might have alot of friends, and i guess you could say i have it all going for me. i used to be depressed alot, thought about suicide, but it went away. ive recently gotten really depressed again. i feel as if i have no one right now, my moms a mess, i want my dad to come home, all my friends are fake. yet everyday i go to school with a smile on my face, pretending that everythings alright. its not. ive started thinking about suicide again, im too scared to do it. but just the fact that i think about it frightens me. im tired of caring, im tired of having to put up with everything. i hate that i cant tell anyone how i feel. my familys difficult, they dont understand me. i hate that i have to hide everything from them. my parents are divorced, i have 5 brothers, my mom is constantly busy with her "own" life. ive started to hate her. school is a mess, i want to do good, so i can go to colllege and do something with my self. i dotn want to end up like my mom or the rest of my family. but its so hard, sometimes the pressures unbearable. at school im known as the "goodie", everyone assumes that im just perfect, & my lifes just fantastic. i hate that i have to pretend. im sick of myself. i cant believe what ive become, just a fake. i feel so alone at times, i hate being depressed, i hate feeling like this. i just want i tto go away. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i feel so lost.  

dayx33 dayx33
13-15
6 Responses Mar 18, 2009

http://www.dancelightly.com/top.htm?page=signup <br />
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Here is an inspirational link that I found on THIS website. You may find it helpful. It certainly can't hurt.

I have to agree that starting each day with an inspirational quote is a great idea. Maybe you could find a small book to have with you throughout the day. Start your day off on a positive note. Don't wait until you feel down or depressed!<br />
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When you wake up in the morning choose to set the tone of your day before you even put your feet on the floor. Just take a moment for yourself. Take a few nice deep slow breaths and think to yourself, "I am a good person and today I choose to me!" People forget that they must be happy with their own selves, before they can make others happy. It took me a long time to discover that.<br />
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You could keep a diary of your thoughts. At first they may seem on the down side, but the more you write, the more you will learn about the REAL you! Over the next few weeks you will notice that your thoughts will take on a more positive note. People like us have to retrain ourselves to think with a different thought process. We have to recognize that we are unique. I do not mean that in a bad way. I bet you would be greatly surprised at just how many people are having the same feelings you are. <br />
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If you can pretend to be the perfect person, how would you be able to tell what other people around you are doing the exact same thing. Just be you.Make you happy first.<br />
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You may want to read a book that helped me change my way of thinking. It is called "The four agreements". It is a VERY SHORT BOOK, but it will show you how we are programed to think while we are young. "THE SECRET" is also another good book on attracting good things to yourself. I highly recommend these books.<br />
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Don't forget that prayer and meditation are also great ways to settle your mind and learn about yourself. If you check my profile, you may find some links to my stories on surviving depression and becoming a more spiritual person. I hope this helps you.<br />
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Live with peace in your heart and love of thyself.

i know excatly how you feel. i dont know what to do either just stay srong honey!

I know how you feel like. It's difficult to have the will to live when you feel like no one really cares for you. You have every right to be angry at your mom- she's probably extremely stressed/depressed herself over the divorce, and probably doesn't realize the toll it's taking on you. Maybe you should tell her how her behaviour makes you feel- sometimes our loved ones are so blinded by all their own problems that it is hard for them to notice anyone else. Maybe you've been acting like the perfect daughter at home too, and so your mom feels like she doesn't have to worry about you. If you admit to her how depressed you have been feeling, it will help her better take care of your emotional needs. At the same time, it will bring the two of you closer. You might even help unburden some of your mom's problems if she can talk to you. You should try to fix this rif you have with your mom, because when you go out in the world on your own, you'll realize that there are very few people who willl love you as unconditionally as your parents. But your parents are not perfect. You have to give them a break, and maybe even help them out-I'm not talking about being the fake perfect daughter, but being emotionally honest (with reasonable gentleness) <br />
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Whilst you work on being more emotionally honest with your family, you should also think about living life for yourself. Make a list of all the wonderful things you want to do, and when you feel depressed, go over them-it will make you feel better, and give you motivation and inspiration.<br />
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Sometimes when I feel depressed, I even read inspirational quotes. That really helps<br />
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Most of all, even if nothing is working out now, you have to just endure 3 more years before you go off to college. College can be very fun...the whole dorm experience, trying new things, redefining yourself, having more independence, going on trips with your friends, making new friends- it is so much fun. You can't afford to give up now and miss college when you have been so brave and have come so far. Stay strong...it's just 3 more years...It'll be over before you know it

Dayx33, I know how you feel. I was "LOST" for the first 30 years of my life. I am now 46 and have won my battle with depression. It was a long battle, but it can be won. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If your family doesn't understand what you are going through, then seek the help of a school counselor or call a mental health hot line. You can just talk to them if you want. Some times it takes someone who has experienced depression to understand what you may be going through.<br />
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I suggest these things to you, because when I was younger I didn't have the choices and chances that young people have today. Remember the internet is a place to learn about issues, but we ALL have to be VERY careful who we choose to trust. You are better to deal with people that the school or your parents know about.That way they can learn and help you through any issues or worries that you might have. Don't be afraid to share your worries with people you love or trust in your life. Many want to help, but have to figure out just how is the right way.

Teen years are awkward. Most kids do feel alone. Sometime it's hard to count on anyone. You have dreams and ambitious don't let yourself down. When you get depress and have suicide thoughts your not thinking rationally. Please talk to someone. I would recommend your school counselor and maybe your doctor. He can prescribe a anti-depressant. This will not solve your problems but will help. You're young and have your life ahead it's not going to be this way forever. :-)<br />
If I can share a story.<br />
An old high school classmate of mine killed himself in his closet by shouting himself in the mouth. He had everything go for him. Honor roll student and class president. No one including myself would have ever guess he would commit suicide. It destroyed his whole family including friends who blamed themselves. Don't let yourself be this person. Please get some help it's not something that you should deal with yourself..<br />
*hugs