My Bit.

i battle depression. but i don't know if i'm battling. depression has been with me always. growing up, it's been the nourishment for all my ideas and views, goals, worths, yknow, all that pithy stuff. i feel like i'm really battling myself.

i came to the realisation yesterday that i need to change. i need to change in so many ways or i'm just simply not going to survive. and this is really hard.  it feels like i need to start my whole life again. new coping mechanisms. new sense of self. new perceptions, the lot. and this is a terrible thing for me to admit, because i love myself. i have lots of friends and family who love me too. i am admired. but i can't stay the same. it's not really working. i'm not really functioning.

i don't know where to start. i think i'm just going to go along with all this psych bullshit. easier said than done ey.

i'm sixteen years old in my final year of highschool, incredibly confused, panicked and generally all over the place. that's me. i love animals more than anything else, probably more than i could ever love a person. at least i've got that for sure.

i've been taking zoloft for close to a year. been on some form of medication for oh two years. i was in a psych ward for 3 weeks after a lame little suicide attempt. life's a party. but its not so bad. things can always be much much worse, that's for sure.

i battle depression? i wish i didn't find it so hard to seperate the illness from my identity. i go back and forth. think about what nourishment a lettuce gets. lots of water. in the end, it's made up mainly of water. dehydrate it and it's 5% of what it was. this i find really sad. in this way i've missed out on so much. because depression has got to go. i can't live like this. i've got to change.


ocelia ocelia
18-21, F
5 Responses Mar 19, 2009

I understand what you mean about trying to separate yourself from your sadness. I've never been treated for depression although I'm thinking about trying counselling lately. What has helped me is remembering that I'm depressed for a reason. I've had a bad family life that I'm still trying to come to terms with (I'm 19) but I imagine most people in my place would also be depressed. Which means it's not some part of my essential being, just the result of outside influences. When I can identify the cause, it makes it easier for me to try and overcome it.<br />
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Hang in there, you sound like you've come a long way already

I am exactly on par with you about the needing to change part- I feel the same way, but I'm confused. What is the source of your depression? I'm depressed because I had a highly abusive childhood, and lately both my parents have been dead, and I moved to a whole new country where i have no close friends or family. I've plenty of depression triggers, but you seem to have a caring family and everything- so why are you depressed?

" i feel like i'm really battling myself."--oh yeah; been there, still doing that. Peace.

thank you

Change is always a hard thing when it comes to something that has always been seen more as help than a hindrance. I wish you luck in this journey, it will be hard, but I am quite sure you will succeed.