Going Back to Therapy - Again

I'm not gonna write my whole history of depression here.   For now it will suffice to say I have, I suppose, "mild" depression, because I have more or less been able to function in the world with a low or medium dosage of medication or none at all.  I am a recovering alcoholic and addict in my 20th year of sobriety.  I've been through a lot of stuff, including being a victim of rape and much loss through death or other reasons.  

I have actually been a counselor myself, and may be one again some day.  I could tell you what all the symptoms of depression are, and I know it is more than feeling sad, that it's a chemical imbalance inthe brain.  Yet it is still hard to describe and even harder to know where the heck that imbalance comes from!  Personally I believe it is at least partly genetic; just as alcoholism and some other things run in my family, so does depression. 

I also believe, and I think there are some theories on this but I couldn't say for sure, that a big part of fighting depression -- and it really IS a fight, a lot of the time  -- involves being able to recognize feelings, to understand what they are about, and get them out. 

In the last ten years I did a lot of living and learning.  A lot of interacting with other people - and got almost comfortable with it!  - and helping others.   I worked with teenagers and I found agreat joy in being able to connect with them & be there for them.  Last year I had some old clients stay with me for several months, because they had nowhere else to go.  In some ways it was wonderful and in others a nightmarel  They put me through a lot.  I was completely worn out by the time they left, a year ago now, and I haven't seen them in almost a year.  I was like a aunt to them and I miss them but I needed to have time to myself.

I got a LOT out of therapy during the last few years and during the last year spent a lot of time writing, reading, and doing creative things.  I have enjoyed my own company.  But now I am feeling down and I feel stuck.  I am still processing memories and I think there is some more stuff to look at, which I would rather not do .... but I think I have to.  It involves various jobs & situations I've had involving authority figures and feeling inadequate, paranoid, being treated badly by supervisors, and feeling like I was doing a terrible job -- even when I was acounselor and I know I was good at it -- I always had an office full of kids.  Not just any kids but gang-bangers, delinquents, the kind of kids no one wants to be bothered with. I loved them. I still love them.  In some way I am like them.

I know I made mistakes, I know there are some things I would have done differently, but I allowed people to get inside my head and make me feel ashamed, not good enough.  And I am afraid, afraid to get out into the working world again  (I work at home), afraid to do much socializing, and afraid to see these kids again.  Because after all the therapy & support groups and other ways of healing, I still feel less than.  I still don't feel whole.  Getting closer but not there yet.  And I don't want to inflict that on people and I don't want to distract myself from looking at myself, by getting too involved with outside things.

The answers lie within, the healing comes from within.  But I need some help bringing this shame up.  So it's off to therapy I go - again! 

 

 

 

 

 

Rooanne Rooanne
56-60, F
5 Responses Mar 19, 2009

Try to concentrate on the positive things inside of you and in your life.You need to deal with your past of course but I'm sure there is so much more to you than shame - to me you sound as though you are full of love and hope.<br />
Have you done any classes in yoga or tai chi or Buddhism - they might help you.

Thank you for this honest and moving post. I think I could write a book about shame. Maybe most of us can.

I feel so moved by what you have written here; and I can identify with so much of it. I remember "carrying the shame" and feeling it every time I encountered my inadequacy. I remember letting others "hook my shame" instead of standing up for myself. Being human, we are always going to be limited and make mistakes in our efforts to help others; but that does not deny the good that we accomplish along the way. I wish you well along your healing journey. Take the time you need; and keep in touch with your inner voice. You will know when the time is right.

Thank you very much for your comment! It's very hard to go out in the world and not affect people and vice versa. And I want to effect people in a positive way.<br />
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You know, after I wrote that last night, I felt SO much better!!

Shame, what a terrible word, yet we let that feeling rule our lives as I have allowed to do with mine. I guess as you said that therapy will be the answer to be whole again. I am sure that you are a good counselor and a good person if you weren't those kids would not have bond with you. <br />
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It is true when you say that "And I don't want to inflict that on people" and you have done the right choice that I didn't. You want to heal before going out to the world again and is wise of you because I have not heal and we try unconsciously to project those feelings of shame and inadequacy to others being or friends, family or coworkers.<br />
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I wish you the best on your quest.