Which Story Should I Start Off With....

This is going to be triggering for those with depression. If you are not at a good place right now DO NOT READ THIS. I was alone. It was a Monday evening after a long day of work, last October. I was tired. I just broke up with my boyfriend of two years because of a lot of problems with our relationship. I was talking to him on the phone, we still had stuff at the other's homes. He told me he was seeing someone new. I felt like my mind shut off and the feeling of someone twisting a knife in my heart. I told him that I hadn't been doing well. He knew my history so he knew something was wrong. I said good-bye and got up to get my medications. I poured them all on the table and just started downing them with water, one by one. I was taking a mixture of Efexor, Lamictal, and Seroquel. I guess I called my mother who didn't answer her phone and left her a message saying good-bye and that I love her. Next thing I know, my door was being broken down and a bunch of police officers and EMTs who rushed into my room. I remember being lifted onto the gourney and rushed out to the ambulance. I was going in and out of conciousness because I don't remember much during this time, like the elevator ride. I remember being in the ambulance and they kept asking my name. The last thing I remember is telling them that I was from Indiana. I woke up three days later struggling to breathe. They tied my arms down so that I wouldn't hit them while they took the respirator tube out. It felt horrible. It felt like I was choking and I couldn't do anything about it. They put an oxygen tube up to my nose and I remember saying "thank you". I went back to sleep. I woke up the next day and I saw my mother standing above me smiling/crying. I can't imagine what it must have been like for her. She was vacationing in Florida and the time and she cancelled the rest of her vacation and flew out here to California to be with me. Now I know why they say that suicide is very selfish. I went back to sleep and woke up later that night. I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I didn't notice a bathroom in the room (didn't realize I was in ICU) so I rang for the nurse. The button didn't work so I had to wave my arms around. A nurse came in and asked me what was wrong. I told her I had to pee really bad. She said just go. She must have realized why I was confused. She told me I had a catheter in me and to just pee. I couldn't. So, I ripped all my monitoring devices/catheter/IV out (OUCH!) and proceeded to the bathroom outside. They yelled at me telling me that that bathroom was for them. I didn't care. I finally went to the bathroom and then endured getting reconnected to all the machines (double OUCH!). The next morning I was awakened by a psychiatrist and my mother. The doctor told me that he was going to place me on a 51/50 and I begged him no. (I have been on a number of those and they suck). So, I told him that my mother will watch me for the next few days and I will be under her care. Well, thankgoodness that worked. As soon as we got home, my mother thought we needed to go to the grocery store. I walked there (less than half a mile) and could not walk anymore. I was so winded. Being on a respirator and oxygen made my lungs extremely weak. It took me a week afterwards to build up my strength back. And, I had sores all over my mouth. They hurt too. They were white large sores inside of my mouth on my cheeks and upper lips. I think they were blisters from the respirator. My hands and arms were bruised all over. This is just one story I wanted to share with you. It took me this last time to realize how wonderful life can be. The fact that I could have been brain dead was very real. I caused hurt in my entire family. Friends heard about it and called me, crying. So many people care about me. Looking at the sunset the day I got home made me so happy to be alive. We only get one time here. Suicide is not the answer. If you or a loved one has signs of suicidal ideation, please let them know you care. Call the suicide hotline in your area. If it is really bad, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. Find a therapist. Take your medications. Don't hang out with negative people. LOVE YOURSELF because I love you.
runnergal runnergal
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 19, 2007

This is a very strong and brave thing to tell everyone. I'm sorry but I disagree with your comment about being selfish. My family suffers everyday and I have done everything the doctors have told me for the past 11 years. I still want to die. But I will wait until my kids are grown and don't need me anymore before I do anything.