Why I Hate Myself

I am so sick of being so different, of having to struggle to hold my head above my shoulders.. I am always so terrified to perform in anyway in front of a larger group of people because I'm so very worried about how I'm going to mess up or how people will think of me, I'm sick of limiting my potential whenever it starts to grow.. I hate seeing how much I struggle with some of the simplest of things that people seem to figure out instinctively, I hate how hard it is for me to fit in with people.. I can never give myself a break, I never feel like I truly fit in anywhere.. I won't let myself. I've always fantasized about locking myself in a library and relearning everything until I was up to par, I've always wanted to have someone study the way my brain works and find a fix so more things would make sense to me .. I actually had a birth experience that the doctors said expected me to come out mentally retarded, I'm not surprised why I am of average intelligence. I'm sick of not being taken seriously by most people, I almost always become the stooge of the group when I try to express myself, I always feel child like when I'm proven wrong or someone teases me about not getting something, or making a mistake. My friend and I were talking about alot of things and I noticed he had very many interesting and varying experiences that just made me think more and more about myself.. I want to be respected, not laughed at.. I want to be like everyone else, I just don't want to have to worry about the pathetic things I worry about.. apologies for the long page of self loathing, every once in a while there are situations that trigger these dark depressing feelings.. I just wish I could find a cure to all of this, a way to not have to feel insecure about myself and spend more time enjoying myself.. sometimes all I can do is worry about my future or the upcoming social situations, although its not always doom and gloom in my life I wish I had control over some of these things, I wish I knew what to do..

Lookingforhappiness Lookingforhappiness
18-21, M
2 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Wow - You set impossible standards for yourself and then when you fail to live up to them, you tell yourself how much of a failure you are. But if anyone else fails to meet those standards, you are quick to forgive. You sound like me! :P<br><br><br />
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You mentioned that you may have been mentally damaged at birth, I saw that in your stories a few times... well I just don't buy that. I'm guessing you talk normally but you're afraid you will offend or come off sounding stupid. You look fine but when you look at yourself you only see imperfections. When you're around other people (peers) you feel like everyone is so much better than you. <br><br><br />
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You're a handsome guy. You're a loving person that cares about how other people are. You're smart, I can see it in your writing and your ability to express what you feel (it's hard to express feelings so other people can understand). Maybe you should try and do things that make you feel good about yourself... like volunteering at a hospital or an animal shelter. It never hurts to put volunteer work on a resume but more importantly maybe you can bring some happiness into another life and feel like you're making a difference. Eh, maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree but you seem more suited to help others than sit in a cubicle dealing with customer complaints. I hope some part of that makes sense... You're a good guy, really. :)

you are respected by me!