The Book By My Bed

for as long i can remember i have always been depressed. My childhood was confused, and when my parents broke up and got divorced i spent the next couple of years wracked with the guilt of seeing each parent and letting them know i loved them. I've always been emotionally mature and can read other people's emtions like a book, often mirroring how they've felt onto me. I'm bi-polar which means I'm very happy and then i switch to suicide.

       Its hard and since the age of 13 I never knew what was happeneing to me, every little thing would tear down my confidence and make me really insecure. You'd be suprised if you saw me because I do not look like I should look depressed- my mania stroke makes the people I know think I'm extremely happy.

              I wrote down poems in my book since I was 13 and it makes me laugh because now I am aware of my illness so I understnad I am not invincible in my mania although some poems reflect this when I was 13.  It's scary because when I'm low I cannot see, I'm blinded by depression, hopelessness and I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach- for no reason.

       Heartbreak, divorce, and brief bullying (when i was in year 9) tore down my confidence. My first love scarred me because |I was looking for something to fill the void of being unloved and the hopelessness of marraige although I suffocated the realtionship with my needs. It's scary bcoz Im worried if I can ever love someone healthily, whether I can not depend on someone to get me through. The irony is, is that I needed to depend on people to stop me feeling so low and to make me feel needed so i didnt commit suicide....

So im stuck in the rut. It's hard, it really is. My dad says for me to build up my walls by sometimes what lies behined the wall is to raw to even start builing the foundations. I'd love to hear from anyone who shares the same issues as me, jus want to let them know they're not alone. I'm 18 and need people to talk to.

 

nuitnuit nuitnuit
18-21, F
3 Responses Aug 20, 2007

i also have the wondering fear if i will able to ever love someone in a healthy normal way. all of my relationships with people (not just boyfriends but like family and friends) are awkward, angry, too involved or not involved enough etc,. i just fell like i dont know how to interact with people correctly. its like my childhood relationships with my family were so unnormal and abusive that i dont even know what "regular" familys act like.

I'm very sorry that u had to go through that. I can help you with the depression part like going out more doing stuff around the house getting dressed everyday take a shower everyday etc. stuff like that if you need some one to talk to i'm here i will do whatever i can even just reading what u write and just letting u know i'm here

I'm very sorry that u had to go through that. I can help you with the depression part like going out more doing stuff around the house getting dressed everyday take a shower everyday etc. stuff like that if you need some one to talk to i'm here i will do whatever i can even just reading what u write and just letting u know i'm here