A Three Year Battle...

Since I was 13, when I was in 7th grade, I have been battling depression. It has always been very hard for me. And to make it even worse, I have been a self-harmer for two years. People always make fun of me...how I look, how I talk, how I speak...everything. It never used to bother me before, but NOW it seems to get me all upset. Lately, I've been crying everynight, praying to God that I will die in my sleep. Yes, I contemplate suicide...a LOT. But I know that if I ever DID commit suicide, it would be a HUGE mistake. I have a three year old brother and I don't want him to grow up learning that his own sister killed herself. What kind of life would that be for him, you know? I always worry about what my feelings and thoughts do to the people around me and the people that I love. I worry that when I tell someone how I feel EXACTLY that I am actually BURDENING them. I don't like telling people how I feel...I feel like I'm bringing them down with me and making them all depressed and miserable. I don't like making others miserable just because I'M miserable...it's just not fair to do that to other people. Talking has never helped me, to be quite honest. I mean, if I have a problem with someone and they want me to tell THEM...well what am I supposed to do? I mean, if I told my parents HALF the things I truly want to tell them, I know for a FACT that they would get pissed off and then make my life a living HELL! But this sucks, because I feel like i have no one to talk to anymore...I feel like all of my closest friends have all deserted me...and that sucks. They all want to hang out with my ex-friend who called me "stupid" because I cut. Well, eventually we got into a HUGE fight about it and then we just stopped talking all together. Now, everyone hangs out with her and they all somehow forget all about me. I feel so lonely...and sometimes I wish my ex-boyfriend and I never broke up. I miss him SO much...he's all I ever think about. But I'm just afraid to tell him just how much I truly miss him...I wish I had enough confidence to tell him. Maybe someday I will find someone who will love me for me...no matter what...I hope so.  

xXcutter4lifeXx xXcutter4lifeXx
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 22, 2009

i know exacly how you feel, when i was in sixth grade, 13, i started cutting. i cut on my legs so that no one would know... now i have a perminent scar. luckily i put stuff on it so it's not very noticeable anymore. <br />
i stopped cutting last year. i use to think it helped. i realize that it doesn't. sometimes i think the only reason i don't commit suicide is becuz i'd go to hell. this year has been the worse year of my entire life. but i haven't cut. and i won't.<br />
<br />
i want to talk to you maybe we can help eachother please write me

Well I am glad that you DID admit it. It's the first step to getting help. I don't have trust issues, it's just that I don't like bothering others. But maybe if you talked to a therapist or psychiatrist you would feel better. It never hurts to try :] Thank you for understanding. I hope you feel better.

I'm glad that you are doing better. Thank you for the comment, it's nice to know that someone is willing ro listen :]

I understand. I been battling it since the 6th grade. I started cutting in the 8th and burning in the 9th. I was put in a Behavior Health Hospital for 40 days it helped tremendously. The counseling may not seem to be helping but it's a long process and when I was in it, it didn't seem to be helping, but I learned shortly after stopping it how hard it is not to have someone to tell. I haven't burned in 3 years almost. If you need someone to talk too, I'm here. <br />
~Ashley~

Well, I have been taking the meds or almost a month now, and they seem to be helping me. I just started seeing a new psychiatrist, and all seems well so far. I just hope it keeps going this way. :)

sometimes it depends on your relationship with your counselor, ive seen a few and it took a few before i found one i could really relate to and be open with. It takes time to work through things especially if you have been doing them for a while. I think you sound quite positive about getting through it. Medication does help too. Your doing all the right things, if you still feel this way after a while then see your doctor maybe the medication isnt right for you. If you have only just started taking the tablets often these pills take a month to kick in and for you to feel the benefits.

I am receiving counseling, actually, but I don't think it's helping very much. I'm also on medication to help me with my thoughts. But thank you for your advice :) I really do appreciate it.

no one has a perfect life everyone has problems and concerns and worries. Its not a burden for most people to listen to the worries of others its your own problems that always seem the worse. But thats never the case there really are a lot of people in worse situations and they get through them. I am sure you will. Sometimes when you focus on something so much it becomes a bigger problem than it actually is. Perhaps you need to find a new group of friends and distract yourself from focusing on the negatives. Some counseling would possibley help.