5 Years and Counting...

I've had depression since I was 13, having a cleft pallet and all the operations and such that went with it could have contributed, but it was around that age that I was seriously bullied for the first time, for a year and a half I told no one. Then when I was close to breaking point I decided it was time to tell my parents... I couldn't tell them to their face - because of myself, not them... so I lay in bed one night and I texted my Mum and said "I'm being bullied", she came down to my room to see me, I just cried. The bullies were soon stopped only for them to start again, it took me a while to tell my parents again, but eventually it was stopped.

But the damage had already been done, and even before then, having a not so go outer family (meaning family like aunties, uncles etc, not immediate family) and a few other situations, it lead to depression.

I went to the doctor, they offered me medication, but at the time the thought of medication terrified me. I thought I could get through it on my own. Then this year, 5 years later, I went back to the doctor, feeling even worse, they couldn't or wouldn't help me at all.

A few months ago I started to cut myself, in places where no one would see - legs, upper arm... in extreme moments of complete darkness it was my realease, it showed me that I was still alive, it eased the emotional pain. But of course it gets addictive. I am trying to stop, I haven't done it for a week or so now.

A few months ago, since before Christmas '08 I haven't been sleeping, at first I thought it was the fear that if I go to sleep I won't wake up - my body will just give up and not let myself live through this pain anymore. Then I thought maybe it's because I don't want the next day to come. To be honest, I'm still working on what it could be, probably both of those reasons and more.

But that is why I'm here, my depression and insomnia is at it's worst when I'm here all alone at gone 3am, every night... I suffer my darkest times during the night when no one is around to talk to. And it kills me inside. I can't bare it and I hate it.

My depression and lack of sleep has ruined so many of my relationships, I'm ashamed to say. There are family members that think I don't have depression simply because they don't believe in it, which makes things even harder to explain.

I hate who I am, I don't recognise myself anymore, I don't like the person I've come to be and most of the time I would do anything to get away from myself, to get out of my own head.

I'm moving to France in May this year to be with the person I love and to start a new life, she's been an angel to me and has given me so much light and hope when I couldn't see for the dark. But when she's not around, it hurts. I don't want to have to rely on someone else for my own feelings of contentment. It's not fair on the other person. I know running away isn't the answer, but my current situation is making everything so much worse, I need a break, and I'm lucky that I can get one, I hope it helps.

Spag Spag
1 Response Mar 22, 2009

I can't express how much I understand how you're feeling. I went through something extremely similar. It's so great though that you've found someone you love. Personally, I think its okay for you to reply on her. You've felt alone for a long time, I take it. I strongly recommend exercise and sports on a daily basis. Its helping me through mine. Join some sort of workout class. They make you feel so accomplished. Or plan out a schedule for your day. If you complete everything you planned, that also gives you a sense of accomplishment. Wishing you well!