I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here.....

In this life, in this place, right now.  Surfing the internet, trying to find some outlet for the pain and pressure inside me that I swear, is threatening to explode me all over the screen.  I can't even explain it.

I guess I'm just trying to find someone else that feels as crappy as I do so that I don't feel so alone.  So that I don't feel like such a freak. 

I guess I've battled depression all my life.  It has only been worsening significantly over the past several years after marrying someone with two kids, a high maintenance (and also probably mentally disturbed and alcoholic if not drug-abusing) ex, and having to deal with all that.  When we had our own child (the only bright spot in my entire life the past 3 years, and the only thing I feel like I've ever gotten right) it has only intensified problems.  His ex causes constant problems and schedule disruptions, (she has assaulted me in the past, and frankly I'm afraid of her. She left HIM, but suddenly I'm the bad guy) and I'm barely keeping it all together as it is, without her constant meddling, nasty phone messages, etc.

I'm overwhelmed.  I'm tired.  We're living in a high cost of living area, and both overworked and just trying to make ends meet.  His two kids (young teenagers) spend their time in our basement, growing their hair, marinating in their BO and playing violent video games, while most of the time I try to work from home, and I want SO much more for my little guy.  I really just want to disappear with him, but I don't know how I'd manage.  Plus, believe it or not, he loves his daddy.  His dad is a great daddy, but not a great father.  He's great for the fun stuff, but not when it comes to the tough stuff like boundaries, discipline, etc.

His two kids are both emotionally damaged from the long and protracted divorce and subsequent custody battles (frankly, I think they should both legally be with us).  As of the moment, they both ARE (because their mom is homeless (again) and between jobs (again) yet my dumb-*** husband continues to pay her child support while we bleed red into the gutters every month.)

I'm so sick of all of these dysfuctional people and would love to leave all of them completely behind.  My counselor has called my husband in to try to tactfully tell him that there are "two types of depression" -- chemical and situational and that he needs to do whatever he needs to do to calm down our life.  He continues to blame me for everything.  He's paying out all of this $$ every month to this worthless alcoholic *****, and yet he rides me for not "earning enough."  He didn't marry me, he married a paycheck.  He's so f*ing clueless he makes me gag.  Why can't he just grow a spine and finally do what is best for *our* family???

And then he wonders why I don't want to be intimate with him, and I take more abuse for that.  I don't even give a sh*t at this point if he goes out and screws someone else, as long as he leaves me alone.   UGHGHGHGHG.  And I used to be such a nymph.  Something's definitely amiss.

Thanx for letting me vent.

AlliB513 AlliB513
41-45, F
Aug 20, 2007