Calculations and Recalculations

 It has been suggested that I share my story, so I guess that is what I will do.

I suppose in order to understand where I am coming from it would be wise to tell you where I am currently.  I am a college student, and in between majors. I began as a music education major, and found that the release that I felt from the music and the draw that kept me playing it was snatched from me by studying it and with it consuming my life.. so I decided to drop the major and move on.

I am not sure where I will go from here.  I can't stay undecided forever.  I am trying to change my life around.  I am a very wretched person.  I have tried to commit suicide a few times, and it never worked. Although I PLANNED it out. every detail, my roommate just kept walking in. I hated her for it. she was supposed to be in class.. then there was the time I tried right after she walked out. and then she came right back in because she changed her mind.. UGH. I was so angry at her. the last time I tried to go to the top of the building, and I was going to jump over the side of the stairs where there is a gap between the stairs and the wall and go head first.. but the stairs were popular that day so that didn't work either.  

I was using alcohol when I got to college to try to forget everything.. and I was having sex with this guy I didn't love.. and I actually quite hated him.   I DON'T KNOW WHY I was so stupid.. 

and gosh. school. middle school was hell.. I was bullied and taunted every day. high school was hell.. I was silent. Most people didn't know what my voice sounded like. they could recognize me by my playing but that was it. I was date raped in high school. I never talk about it. I never told anyone.  I couldn't tell my family. They are very conditional. I mean, my mother would get angry and yell at me for being sad or angry, or basically if I wasn't all smiles and completely perfect she gave me hell for it and I hated her for it.  My dad was just a silent and demanding presence when he was even there. GOSH I just could never win!!! I was NEVER FREAKING GOOD ENOUGH. I was there, I was the perfect kid when I was in grade school. I brought home awards.. I never got in trouble. I didn't even bother to socialize and make friends I just did what I was supposed to. I went to state for music.. I got into a really good university.. and it wasn't enough. I just couldn't win. Dad just told me my new expectations and now I'm here.  I mean, he buys me whatever I want basically, but I don't want STUFF. I don't even want them anymore. I just don't want the lies. but none of it should bring me down. I shouldn't let that invade my life.. but I can't seem to stop it. It's like I have have five tons of weight pushing me across the water..  and I don't have any breaks .. and there's something drawing closer and closer and I can't see what it is, but I just know it's there and I know that it's going to hurt. 

I feel like i should be okay now, because I have turned my life around. I stopped the drinking.. I stopped the sex.. I am breaking the addiction to hurting myself.. I am praying every day, I gave my life to God because I obviously wasn't handling it, but cold turkey just changing your life is so hard! and I do pray about it. but UGH I am still struggling and I feel like if I am in the wrong somehow and I don't know what I'm doing wrong!  I feel like I am losing ground.. and I feel like if something were to happen.. just one tiny thing. the "butterfly" if we're going to be cliche.. if it were to land.. that would be it.  I am just sitting here waiting for the trigger thats going to set me off again. 

I'm LOSING. totally losing. and I can't figure out how to be perfect here. I don't know how to be the model of perfection in this. 

That's my story.

constantcalculation constantcalculation
18-21, F
4 Responses Mar 25, 2009

I'm think I going to talk to our fellowship staff leader about this.

Please don’t slip further. Suicidal thoughts have a way of creeping up and you don’t want to be at your worst. Get help sooner than later.

If I can't get through this without the extra help, I will try them, but I really want to do it on my own. I am getting to the point where I am just about ready to try though. and thank you for the welcoming words.

Hey there - I've been dealing with depression for years... mostly due to my own actions. I made many mistakes. And I can totally relate to waiting for that one little spark thats going to ignite whats inside you.<br />
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Well, you're not alone, and there is no quick fix. Have you tried anti-depressant medication? I use it and it's been a great help to me... I still plummet sometimes, but my emotions don't swing as far and I'm quicker to recover. I always thought being on meds meant I would be some drooling zombie, but it's not like that at all...<br />
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Anyway, just a thought... Keep sharing here and hopefully you'll get some feedback that helps. EP is a great source for support. <br />
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And as far as the sadness in your past, what happened to you should not define the person you are today. You are worthy of happiness and you're here to serve a higher purpose which only you can provide. You're entire life experience has prepared you to be who you are, where you are today. You take care :)