Lifetime of Depression??

First off a lot of what I am about to write is about my drug problems, which stem from my depression and probably don't help it much either. I just found this site a week ago and also like to post in the 'recovering addict' area.

I was diagnosed with severe recurrent depression one year ago. It came as a surprise to my family who I don't see very often, and as no surprise at all to my friends.  My drug use and self destructive habits had begun to spiral out of control. I'd tried to kill myself the previous August after I felt like I'd lost everything. I was put on Zoloft and it helped; but it did take over a month for it to start working, and during that month I had some less than savory times.  Passing out drunk on my bathroom floor was pretty common for me, as was using more drugs than I really should have.  It all sort of culminated at around 5 one morning after I had downed nearly a fifth of vodka and smoked a bunch of crack.  Of course the process of buying the crack the night before was a dangerous experience in and of itself, but that morning I felt close to the end. I thought it was all over for me. Sometimes, even now, I wish it had been. It was that point I realized that I was heading someplace I knew I didn't want to go. I was drinking, doing drugs, womanizing, all while in college and being an ROTC cadet.

That following summer was interesting. I thought I'd overcome my habits, but I hadn't. I had returned home for the summer with the hopes of that bringing sobriety and some sense of order.  All that ended up happening was me using right under my parents noses.  They had no idea until I was at a concert one night and my dog dug up my stash. It was a mixture of embarrassment and realization. I had a long talk with them after that, they were understanding and helpful. I ended up going to narcotics anonymous meetings after that. Then near the end of the summer my cousin had a car accident which left him brain dead and in the hospital.

The night I found out he had an accident, I didn't know what to do or what to make of it. I ended up starting to use again the following night.

It wasn't until his funeral in mid August of 2008 that I stopped to think. Here is my cousin, identical in age to myself, who by no fault of his own got into a car accident that killed him. And here I was, a junkie with all the opportunity in the world who was just ******* it all away.  From that day forward I was clean.

In November 2008 I was placed on suicide watch at a local hospital.  The doctors told me that I had been using drugs so frequently that I had forgotten what reality felt like. I guess it was all just too much for me.

All of these events are getting me out of Army ROTC(thank god) without any debt.

It gets scary sometimes because the urge to use again is just so strong. As a matter of fact the temptation overcame me tonight a few hours ago. I knew it was wrong but I have no regrets.

I haven't been on Zoloft since December, I just can't afford it. As it is I barely eat.

All of this, all the bad times and the good, are all kept in a journal.  Most of the times I wrote were at my lowest. Some of the pages are completely incoherent, some of them are even smeared with my own blood.

Depression apparently runs in my family, so I guess i have a lifelong battle ahead of me.

Phoenix1988 Phoenix1988
18-21
2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

I used to. Faith used to be something that I would go to to take refuge. But with the life events I experienced, I found it hard to continue believing. My beliefs are now that there is no higher power and that he/she died a long time ago.<br />
Before you go any further please don't try to change my mind. It's no offense to you or anything it's just that I've had so many people try to change me. Even in NA faith was a central idea. That made it hard for me to keep going.

Do you believe in a higher power?