It Just Sucks...

I have felt this way since i was little... Back then my parents did not agree much and would lie to me about my dad. she use to be a hateful woman... she use to say things to my face when i was 6 like "i wish i never had kids!!!" and "you aint gona be nothin, just like your worthless daddy!" i grew up with that stuff stuck in my head... when i was 14 i was living with my dad and the economy went to ****. we where forced to live in my aunts basment... this did not help my self esteem one bit... then when i was 16 i met my ex... i was so happy, i began to slowley heal... all the wounds from the years... then she left me for no reason and i was made to be the bad guy... i stoped eating... i stopped sleeping... i feel worthless... i do not deserve love... my depression got so bad that i would just sit in a corner listening to music and cut myself... laughing and crying at the same time... i stopped however... i no longer cut but my feelings are the same. i have begun to seperate from some of my friends because i beleave that what they say are lies... just like the lies my ex use to feed me when i was dateing her... "i love you"... HA!!! dont make me laugh no one loves me... i dont even half trust my friends that want to "Help"... i wish to get over this i realy do... but... im scared... im scared to go to a councelor.  The college im in now offers free counceling but... all i can manage to do is dial the number... i can never press talk... im just scared of what people would think of me if they found out... im scared of what they would do if they knew i had thoughts of scuicide... im scared they might tell my dad who is a preacher by the way... im scared that if he finds out that life will only get worse for me... i just dont know what to do, im to scared to do anything... so i just pretend to be happy, i act silly around people... but when im all by myself like i am now... im just empty...

Krie Krie
22-25
1 Response Mar 27, 2009

I first want to say your not alone, millions of people battle depression and I am one of them. Sometimes feeling the way you do, like I am not worth much and just don't know why I was put on this earth. I do however have two daughters that I must take care and live for, if for nothing else. I want them to have a mother and I want them to be happy.. I also don't want to go to counseling, but I think that is where I might need to go to get the help that I need, so that I have the strength to take care of my kids. I know at the moment you feel like no one cares and you think everyone is lieing to you all the time. I know that it is hard to trust, but that is what you need to try and do, is trust.. Even if its only one person, someone who you can talk to and put out all those feelings you have. I do know that when I joined EP, I was in the same place you are in now and I have found a few friends here that I can talk to about anything and have gotten some good advice from. If you ever need to talk, my door is open and I won't judge you in anyway. Just know you have a friend if you need one. Jenn