Life Is a Pain In the Butt

The first I recall thinking about killing myself I was in my mid teens. While I know a lot of teens go through a lot of emotional angst and talk about life being awful and not worth living, not many of them stand outside the guard rail of a bridge and try to will their hands to let go. That was the first of several attempts to over ride the instinct to protect ones self. The truth is that I didn't want to die. I just couldn't stand how I felt so much of the time. One thing that I found out is that I am unusual in that I don't hate myself like so many suicidal people apperently do. What I felt/feel is that I don't deserve to be forced to live a life that I don't enjoy and mostly never have. When I finally reached the point that I just couldn't push on any more and actually tried to put an end to my life, I ended up being "saved" when an aquantance stopped by to see me totally out of the blue. I was mad as hell when I realized that I was awake and alive and I stayed pissed off for a long while. For the moment I am getting along with life reasonably well, four years after that event. I still feel that my situation is quite fragile and I may crash at any time. At least I have progressed to where I don't think suicide first befor concidering other options when things get me down.

broadjumper broadjumper
41-45, M
4 Responses Mar 28, 2009

life can be cruel.i an glad to hear you decided to keep on keeping on.and hope you find a way to be at peace with yourself

i'm glad you decided not to do that. <br />
<br />
been there too

Hi sleeping beauty. I guess in a way when we are to the point of ending life we still are looking for an excuse to go on. What most people do not realize is how much courage it take to go through with suicide. In my own case, it wasn't what other people would think of me, I'm just not that concerned with what they think, it was that I didn't want to leave a mess that someone else would have to clean up.

I'm glad you've come to that realization. The sad fact is I was never able to go through with it because of what other people were going to think. I may be weak but I'm too proud to let other people think it as well. We're all at a breaking point I think. It sounds as though you're handling very gracefully. You know where to come when you feel like that point has got you cornered