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Aug 22nd, 2007
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I
was diagnosed with clinical depression four years ago, but looking back I think I have battled it most of my life without knowing what it was. I am on an anti-depressant that has mostly worked for me but lately there are more and more times when it doesn't. I find myself thinking that my life is basically over and I am just waiting to die. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that life is just a test of my ability to endure. Hardly anything is fun anymore.
I basically have no familyexcept for my niece who I am caring for since my sisters death. I have a job that I hate and am currently working 7 days a week at. It seems that all I do is work,eat, sleep, pay bills and chauffer my niece around. I don't get out at all,seldom have an adult conversation,and seldom see my few good friends because they are in similar situations . So mostly I spend my time with my cats.
I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with the same guy for 17 years. It has been good and I love him,but lately I feel like my needs are not being met, despite my trying to communicate them to him. We seldom have sex anymore, and in fact I am often not able to anyway , because of stress, medication or just old age or whatever. We are only able to be together once a week and that's just not enough.
I like people and most people seem to like me and consider me a nice guy in spite of my collosal shyness and reserve, but I find it hard to connect with people. I feel like I have nothing to offer.
I could go on and on but I won't.
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  | Posted Aug 23rd, 2007 at 4:38AM I can relate. I have dealt with painful shyness and depression since childhood. Trying to get as much as possible from goals is how I keep going. Movies can help too.   |
 | Posted Aug 29th, 2007 at 8:27AM I can relate very strongly to your feelings about life having nothing to offer anymore, and the feeling that those closest to you dont understand and no longer meet your needs, but we must try to remember this is not their fault, they cannot understand how we feel if they have never felt this themselves. The only small comfort we have is in knowing that there are others that feel as we do, and we must try and take strength from knowing this, and try to realise we are not completely alone in how we feel.....i wish you well x +2 nods |
 | Posted Aug 30th, 2007 at 11:57PM Oh, but you do have something to offer... and a person to raise and teach about life and watch grow and pass on whatever oral history of your own family you have. (A form of familil immortality, more or less.) I lost all chance at something like that, twice even - and with the same person - and I so envy you your possibilities with your niece. All I have now are my cats, so I search for little things that get me to want to see tomorrow. Mostly I read, particularly series. Try to work at creating the best family you can and see if you can channel that into relief for the depression. And know that there are others who experience the same kind of feelings you do. |
 | Posted Dec 22nd, 2008 at 3:59AM I can relate too. Don't give up and try not to make any rash decisions when ure not feeling like urself. If your meds arent working great anymore, go to the doctor tomorrow and try a new one - dont go on feeling like this. If you get on a new one and things are looking better medically but u still hate ur job why dont u start thinking about what would make u happy, what would u like to do? Talk about it with ur partner. Dry spells are normal in long term relationships, if the meds are the problem then change that. Just remember, its the depression talking. This is what I've discovered for myself and I like to remind myself of it when I'm feeling depressed: the point of life is love, thats it, to love and be loved is the greatest gift and experiencing that love is worth it :) +2 nods |
 | Posted Dec 27th, 2008 at 7:35PM You seem a very nice, kind and caring person. You don't deserve to feel this way I have felt this low at times. Think where would your niece be without you in trouble, on the streets, or even worse dead. Your are making a bad situation bearable for you and your niece. Your gieving for your sister and she is gieving for her mother. Talk about your sister to each other or make a scrap book together. You need to have some me time too like take a day off work and doing something fun like go to the fun fair or the zoo as a family and enjoy your partner company and your niece. This is one very improtant go to your doctor's and talk about how you really feel and get them to change your medication and some counselling. The pain of losing someone is more then words can ever say goodluck there is light at the end of the dark tunnel +4 nods |
 | Posted Dec 31st, 2008 at 10:39PM thanks for relaying how you feel, as many of us read your story and saw parts of our own lives in what you said. In reading the other comments I feel what I have to say has been already spoken. I do feel that what you have said has helped me and others feel better. That in your sadness, depression, you have helped others by just saying what you have. For there are other people reading and feeling like you, feel less alone. that others are experiencing similar situations. Most of us can't or won't express this deeply and in doing so you have accomplished much in helping someones. Take and write again. God bless |
 | Posted Jan 1st, 2009 at 2:57PM Everything will work out and be okay. Your an amazing person and you've got nothing to be worried about. It will all be fine Take care x |
| Posted Jan 9th, 2009 at 11:58AM I can relate to much of what you say, for example "I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that life is just a test of my ability to endure. Hardly anything is fun anymore". You are obviously a very caring and giving person, and that is a precious gift. Here's a big hug from me to you ((((Hug)))) |
 | Posted Jan 15th, 2009 at 5:54PM I have the highest admiration for people with clinical depression. Most of whom I know were figthers. They knew something was wrong all their lives, and most got help when they were older. Depression is an illness. The more people who undestand this make it easier for those who have it. Please keep writing. |
| Posted Jan 23rd, 2009 at 7:01AM You have so much more to offer to those around you. Please do not give up any hope. You are surrounded with love and honor. Please remember that. |
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