My So-called Life

I was diagnosed with clinical depression four years ago, but looking back I think I have battled it most of my life without knowing what it was. I am on an anti-depressant that has mostly worked for me but lately there are more and more times when it doesn't. I find myself thinking that my life is basically over and I am just waiting to die. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that life is just a test of my ability to endure. Hardly anything is fun anymore.

     I basically have no familyexcept for my niece who I  am caring for since my sisters death. I have a job that I hate and am currently working 7 days a week at. It seems that all I do is work,eat, sleep, pay bills and chauffer my niece around. I don't get out at all,seldom have an adult conversation,and seldom see my  few good friends because they are in similar situations . So mostly I spend my time with my cats.

     I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with the same guy for 17 years. It has been good and I love him,but lately I feel like my needs are not being met, despite my trying to communicate them to him. We seldom have sex anymore, and in fact I am often not able to anyway , because of stress, medication or just old age or whatever. We are only able to be together once a week and that's just not enough.

     I like people and most people seem to like me and consider me a nice guy in spite of my collosal shyness and reserve, but I find it hard to  connect with people. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

     I could go on and on but I won't.

timmerb timmerb
51-55, M
32 Responses Aug 22, 2007

I am not a psychologist and have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I feel badly about how you feel regarding life and hope you can figure out a way to feel better soon. Getting in the sun and letting the sun penetrate the eye is suppose to help with depression a lot. I remember reading it raises the serotonin levels. I'm trying to imagine if it were me in your shoes... I'm not you but I know me; If it were me I would concentrate on something or someone; anything other than myself. That's what I do when I'm anxious or worried about myself. I clean and organize when I'm really worried! I would probably talk to my niece more and see if I can give her advice about anything or just listen to her problems or anxieties. A good listener goes a long way. Actually my own sister passed away several years ago and even though her daughter, my neice, lives far away I do talk via phone regularly and there have been visits. My sister would be thrilled at how much we communicate! <br />
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Perhaps you could go on Skype with your friends, even for 10 minutes, since you are all so busy. Skype is a blast! Or take up a musical instrument. People's attitudes completely change. It's good for the mind. A friend talked me into taking singing classes; I was way too shy and wanted to quit after the first class but I already paid for the semester so begrudgingly went back and to my surprise I improved and could actually sing in tune unlike many of my classmates. Ouch! Ok, so you are shy and reserved and singing wouldn't be the best idea, but I can totally hide behind a guitar or piano!

I must start using my light box that should help the light get to the back of my eyes

I really don't know what the answer is for us. I was diagnosed in 2001 with major depression
Like you, and as a Psych nurse, I know that Ive been sick a long time...since around 18. I was later diagnosed as Bipolar with rapid less manic cycling. I was ok so to speak as long as I was able to work. I would have bouts where I would have to rake off for weeks at a time. Now that I have severe back injures and pain, I cannot work
It has been 4yrs and 3 surgeries ago and I am still in pain. The meds only allow me to keep from actually killing myself. I really don't want to but I cannot help feeling like I want to die throughout the day...everyday... I do believe therapy will help you. It is worth the money. I just don't have that is. It won't solve the problem, nothing will. I know it is hard but do not give up the fight. You have people depending on you. My brother gave up.