My So-called Life

I was diagnosed with clinical depression four years ago, but looking back I think I have battled it most of my life without knowing what it was. I am on an anti-depressant that has mostly worked for me but lately there are more and more times when it doesn't. I find myself thinking that my life is basically over and I am just waiting to die. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that life is just a test of my ability to endure. Hardly anything is fun anymore.

     I basically have no familyexcept for my niece who I  am caring for since my sisters death. I have a job that I hate and am currently working 7 days a week at. It seems that all I do is work,eat, sleep, pay bills and chauffer my niece around. I don't get out at all,seldom have an adult conversation,and seldom see my  few good friends because they are in similar situations . So mostly I spend my time with my cats.

     I am a gay man and have been in a relationship with the same guy for 17 years. It has been good and I love him,but lately I feel like my needs are not being met, despite my trying to communicate them to him. We seldom have sex anymore, and in fact I am often not able to anyway , because of stress, medication or just old age or whatever. We are only able to be together once a week and that's just not enough.

     I like people and most people seem to like me and consider me a nice guy in spite of my collosal shyness and reserve, but I find it hard to  connect with people. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

     I could go on and on but I won't.

timmerb timmerb 51-55, M 33 Responses Aug 22, 2007

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I am not a psychologist and have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, but I feel badly about how you feel regarding life and hope you can figure out a way to feel better soon. Getting in the sun and letting the sun penetrate the eye is suppose to help with depression a lot. I remember reading it raises the serotonin levels. I'm trying to imagine if it were me in your shoes... I'm not you but I know me; If it were me I would concentrate on something or someone; anything other than myself. That's what I do when I'm anxious or worried about myself. I clean and organize when I'm really worried! I would probably talk to my niece more and see if I can give her advice about anything or just listen to her problems or anxieties. A good listener goes a long way. Actually my own sister passed away several years ago and even though her daughter, my neice, lives far away I do talk via phone regularly and there have been visits. My sister would be thrilled at how much we communicate!

Perhaps you could go on Skype with your friends, even for 10 minutes, since you are all so busy. Skype is a blast! Or take up a musical instrument. People's attitudes completely change. It's good for the mind. A friend talked me into taking singing classes; I was way too shy and wanted to quit after the first class but I already paid for the semester so begrudgingly went back and to my surprise I improved and could actually sing in tune unlike many of my classmates. Ouch! Ok, so you are shy and reserved and singing wouldn't be the best idea, but I can totally hide behind a guitar or piano!

I really don't know what the answer is for us. I was diagnosed in 2001 with major depression
Like you, and as a Psych nurse, I know that Ive been sick a long time...since around 18. I was later diagnosed as Bipolar with rapid less manic cycling. I was ok so to speak as long as I was able to work. I would have bouts where I would have to rake off for weeks at a time. Now that I have severe back injures and pain, I cannot work
It has been 4yrs and 3 surgeries ago and I am still in pain. The meds only allow me to keep from actually killing myself. I really don't want to but I cannot help feeling like I want to die throughout the day...everyday... I do believe therapy will help you. It is worth the money. I just don't have that is. It won't solve the problem, nothing will. I know it is hard but do not give up the fight. You have people depending on you. My brother gave up.