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Feel Like Im Drowning

Where do I start.....Many years ago when I was 25, I got breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy.  That was devastating, especially at that young age.  I went on to get married and had 2 daughters.  Our marriage got pretty rocky after about 4 years, but we plodded on and it finally came to an end after 13 years due to my husband having an affair.  I used that as an excuse to get out of a marriage that was killing us both.  I moved out of our family home and rented a townhouse with my 2 girls.  My husband moved on pretty quick and had a girlfriend moving in with him.  As we were sharing the kids, they didn't like the new arrangements at all.  It was so hard having to put them through all of these changes.  Then a couple of years after that, my best friend committed suicide.  She left behind 3 beautiful children.  I still think of her everyday, and still wonder why she did it.  I know very well that things get so hard sometimes that you don't want to go on anymore, but you just have to find a way as there are people around you that need you here.  My father was then diagnosed with Alziemers.  It has been so hard watching him go down hill.  My poor mother has found it all really really hard.  I try to be there to help them out as much as I can.  Then there's my youngest daughter who is 15.  Boy has she put me through hell for the last 3 years.  Everything from skipping school all the time, to running away from home, to hanging out with really bad kids.  I can pretty well say that I have an issue to deal with every day.  She has moved to 4 different high schools over the last year.  She had moved out with her boyfriend who was 4 years older than her.  She is back home now after they broke up.  I have a new man in my life.  We have been going out for a couple of years now. He is a really nice guy, but for some reason, I cant seem to get to a happy place.  I pretty much cry every day.  I try not to do it in front of my girls, but sometimes I can't help it.  Im unemployed at the moment and finding it really hard making ends meet.  Its really hard finding a job.  I don't know what Im going to do.  I have lost all confidence in myself.  I just hope life gets better soon.

freelife2 freelife2 46-50 1 Response Mar 30, 2009

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You know, you have your family right infront of you to cheer you up, I really really really don't mean this to be a judgmental question but, do you have a close relationship with your kids, you really have to speak to them and say all the **** that is on your head, but please don't include hateful thoughts of them, and ask them not to be embarrased, ask yourself the same thing too, and then tell them to speak they're mind. Your daughter acts out because she's going through the same crap your going through, I should know, im in high school, it's the same situation everywhere, i may have been one of those little ***** that just fans or creates problems as well. You have to have a relationship with someone to lean on when your crying, can't just be doing it with your **** in your hands, really does not help. Hold on to every shred that you have, expand on it, that's what my mother did, and we went through a lot, especially her, and it really did not help when she came home dead tired only to have to bicker about some pointless crap. Love your children, love your man, love everything you have, or at least try to, like i said, expand on what you have, make it bigger than what it is now, and you'll have something to fall back on when things seem hopeless. Light that candle in the darkness, then douse that ******* carousine on it, know what i mean? LOVE & PEACE BABE xoxoxoxo