I Am the Problem

i have been sexually abused as a kid, sexually assualted as an adult. i was the oldest, so when my dad was at work, i was in charge. i was my two younger sisters "second mom" and my mother went to work or drank or smoked pot or crack. i never had a childhood. i never got a chance to experience the joys of being a kid. my grandmother was the only mother figure i had. she died 4 months ago. i was sexually assualted in november. i was reclassing in georgia and my husband was back in alabama. he put me through hell while we were apart. i couldnt even try to enjoy myself going out to the movies or whatever without him accusing me of cheating. i wouldn't have married him if i wanted someone else. i have been the only one supporting us since we have been married. everything that has ever happened to me is affecting me now. i don't see a real reason to get up every morning besides making sure my husband has a place to live (he is with me now), food to eat, ya know the essentials and some wants. he thinks my problems are frivolous. well they aren't. i'm tired of taking on all the stresses of life for both of us. i am tired of hurting and i'm tired to trying when i feel it is doing absolutely no good. i don't feel i have a purpose. i have a self image problem. i don't think i'm fat really i only weigh 135 but i feel fat. i don't feel pretty or beautiful. my husband does nothing to help me feel better and overcome this illness. i'm sorry if i get annoying sometimes with all my crying and i'm sorry that i get mad and yell at you for no real reason, just something to complain about. i'm sorry but i don't know how to fix it, and it's not as easy as just stopping. just like your add and adhd. you can't just forget about it and it not be there, and neither can i. i wish you could understand that. i am the real problem. i take all the blame for everything. i have always been the problem, growing up and now in my marriage. i don't feel good. i feel like no matter how hard i try to do right it's always wrong. i am the problem. to fix anything the problem must be solved. but how?