How to Look Into Your Soul

I first must say that to everyone that has posted on this sight. Good for you there is a place in all of us I believe that we fill empty. I also must say that if I actually new you personally that I would not actually be writing this. I have a hard time opening up to people and trusting them.  Wich is odd because I have a love of people in general also. I like to watch people interact. Mostly I think it is because I wonder if that is how my life is supposed to be. I feel mostly that I have failed myself as a person. And my family. I think depression is the worst thing to have because other people can't see it. It leaves no physical traces that people can see. So many just look at you as if your just making it up and it is all in your head and that if you really wanted to that you could just shake it off and be just fine any moment now. I really wish that was the case. I don't believe they understand what it is like to be in a room full of people and feel completly alone. I don't believe that they have seen what I have seen.  My life has given me some hard lessons. I would like to blame my depresion on that.  Only recently did I realize that it is not something that I can go to the dr and say I am depressed him give me a perscription and I go about my merry way and get on with my life. I wanted to believe that is so. However I am learning that it isn't that way.  There is a reason they say suffer from depression.  It is like someone sucked all the joy out of life. Time itself stopped going and you are constintally standing on the outside wishing you could go. But you are indeed stuck fast where you are. Like invisible hands hold you and chain you to your place. You cry, you scream, you fight. nothing seams to work.  Deep down you just want things to go back to the way they were when you were happy. Some how you know that you can't.  We are all precious, some of us are fortunate or maybe less fortunate to still feel.I know that nothing hurts worse then seeing your friends move on as if you aren't even there no more. Somehow your just stuck fast watching waiting wishing you could break free.  If any one else out there feels this way I want you to know that you are not alone.  I hate feeling alone and it breaks my heart to think that someone else may go through what I do. I am currently trying to help myself find a way out. However sometimes I find you have to make your own doors. So I am looking for some good carpenters. If there are none help me find a chair so I can break the window and get out.  and may we all find the true strenght within. for there is strentgh in numbers and no one has to be alone.
nightbloom26 nightbloom26
26-30, F
Feb 3, 2007