How Did This Happen

I've been tellin mysef I'm not crazy but I feel like I'm not only depressed but paranoid. I have the lowest self esteem and I make it up by pretending to be a cocky bastard. Truth is I'm not and it's easy to tear me apart. It started back in 6th grade when I switched schools. then we move out of state and that was even worse. Then I switched again in highschool. And now I'm in my first year of college. I came out the closet last year and that was a bust. I have fought with my dad almost everyday since i was 15. that's 5 years of back and forth. In the last 6 months every other dream involves somebody dying. Even my brother says I've changed. My little brother has zero trust in me. My mom and dad don't know me or understand me. They've said it to my face.

I only hear who I was but I don't remeber me. I feel so lost. Who I am now isn't even bad but I know I'm not who I wanna be. I know I'm almost bipolar when I come home it's like war. I fight really hard against everybody and then go in my room and cry. I can't find a job. I stopped taking drugs and I feel even worse. I don't eat. I don't write songs and poetry anymore. I don't even sing. I've become this boring person and I don't like who I am. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize me. All I see is fire in my eyes and not of the good kind. In my head I just destroy things. I imagine everything turning black. I see walls turn to dust. I see plants die. I torture people. I feel trapped and my head is spinning most of the time. You know the most vivid image in my head is when snow white eats the apple? Why? I think the evil king poisoned me. When I think of snow white i think what a dumb *****. I think I'm a dumb ***** too.

tylerdurdenj tylerdurdenj
26-30, M
1 Response Apr 28, 2009

sorry about this.u r not paranoid,depression make us see ..dark,no colours..what u like,u lose interest..i know u just have to fight it even if its to people here,im sure they will understand how u feel