I Cant Validate Myself

i apologise if the following is a bit erratic, or if i go on a bit, and my spelling is isnt great, so....

i've never seen a therapist outside of schools and my expieriences with them (and their lack of help provided) has left me, most likely unreasonably, unwilling to enter therapy other than to confirm i am a sad person.

i have never been diagnosed with a mental illness, but i tink i may have bipolar disorder which i think i got from both my parents (as did my other brothers and sisters) that has stretched onto what may be depersonalisation. i have been battling depression for my whole life and i cant find any way to make it better. i am not an open person and find it very hard to connect or even talk with others, my voice seems to shrivel up and at times in public places i feel very anxious. when i was younger, this used to take the form of over-eating which only made me more depressed because i was getting fat, and then that moved onto self harm because i began to hate myself with a passion, i'd sometimes drive pencils and pens into my hands as hard as i could, or cut myself with a razor blade, which to this day, no one has any idea i did. i stopped both of these things and lost the weight and stopped the self harm, but my depression remained and made me very cynical and bitter at everyone around me because it felt like they were almost hesitant to help, sort of "oh what's wrong with him now" kind of looks and some family and friends accused me of being over dramatic, or simply too "down" and if i wanted to feel better, i could just think happy and y'now, the usual remarks......the result being i am now 20 years old and so crushed under myself i cant sometimes get up, or dont see the point. when i try to reach out to my family or friends, they do not want to deal with it and change the subject, or adress their problems and shift the conversation focus onto them, where upon i'm expected to be a the sympathetic ear, it's incredible, i dont know how, but this happens all the time. it's not that i think "anyone cares", i just think they tend to trivialise how i feel by eqaiting it to "growing up" or something.

i've had some bad expieriences in my life, when i was about 7 i was molested by an older boy (who was about 14) for a period of time and though i rarely try to dwell on this, i dont think something something like this happens without having some effect (because of his age, i dont know what to think). sometime after we moved house and we were in a very isolated area and i became very insulare as a result, not to mention, increasingly depressed and lonely (at this time my mother was having a quiet breakdown, which me and my sister were exposed to alot and my dad was rarely home because it was a 3 hour drive to and from work, making him stay in the city with my sisters family until the weekend, and when he was, that was always happy, but it was a rare thing, like my parents were sperated or something. it's here too i began over eating.

we eventually moved away, but my problems stayed, when we settled, i made some friends, but i already felt very akward around people and didnt know how to talk and was made fun of and beaten up alot by other kids for being the short kid.

eventually this stopped, but my self image was pretty bad, and as i got older it did not improve, when it came to finding a girlfriend say, i would think constantly about every horrible thing i thought about myself untill i felt like some freak and lost my nerve. and when i did find someone i really cared about, i wont say love, but almost, she really "didnt think of me that way", but was much less gentle, worse over, she was a friend and hung around with my other friends, so i had to deal with her and then i found out a while ago, one of my friends, full aware of my feelings, had sex with her. while another started dating a girl i was interested in to help me get over the last one (which i told him, while he was seeing two different girls), he's engaged to this girl now, but i still feel a little resentful and i think it really killed our friendship since we were very close at one point. i forgave them both and i still hang out with them, along with the girls, making me feel sometimes very uncomfortable. these expieriences, along with some spectacular rejections, have left me a little intimidated approaching women. like there is something really wrong with me. now i feel very disconnected with my friends because they had kind of abused my trust and all, and though, for some reason, i still see them, though feel very forced. this made start drinking alot when i was 18, where i made a regular fool of myself, and came clean to the girl i really cared about, admitting to her that i loved her, where, drunk too, she was quite angry at me, as if i had no right to feel that way about her and maybe she was right, but that really hurt and i got no real help from my friends in dealing with this because they were shocked i could be so hung up on someone, where i was told she was a crap lay, believe it or not, in an effort to make me feel better.

now my relationship with other friends has suffered because i feel like they didnt help and dont help when i need it, when i'm depressed, they dont want to talk, and i feel like a doormat because no what, i always forgive, but now feel very detached from them and have no real strong desire to carry on with them. i'm still to this day, hung up on the girl, which has only gotten worse, though i've become very mute lately about my feelings (any of them) with any of my friends, and at home, its a "i can only give sympathy for so long" kind of situation. so i spend most of my time alone, trying to write something (because i want to be a writer) but hate every word  put down on paper. i'm starting to feel very alienated to everything, even when i'm interacting with people. now the most trivial bump in the road makes me become very angry and fly off the handle.

it may sound like some little things, but i cant deal with this and i've, lately been more depressed than usual because i feel so pathetic and worthless, and though i've never come close to doing it, i've thought about suicide alot, not wanting to do it, just thinking about it.

i feel like because of this, they may be right, and so my already plumeting self esteem is all but gone and i feel very alone and feeble, and i really cant cope any more. i feel like i'm always getting stunted in some way from progressing and made to look like an idiot in front of people and i really cant take it anymore, i feel like i'm all alone.

no one seems to care enough to help, or doesnt believe i'm this messed up and i dont know what to do, i really dont, i feel like i'm loved, i do, i just cant shake all the horrible things rolling around in my head and i feel i'm going to drive everyone away. i dont even know now, after writing all this, if it's worth putting down because after looking it over, i'm starting to agree with everyone. and that just makes things worse.