Sixteen & Depressed .

I'm a sixteen year old girl who is about 4'11 with blonde hair & a body most people wish they could have , so they say.  Little do most people know.. i could find probably 100 things wrong with me emotionally & physically.  I hate myself & I hate the things that have happened to me. I often spend a lot of time wishing I could go back & change something or fix something. My mom had me at eighteen & my dad left while she was pregnant. i found out my step dad wasnt my real dad in first grade. I thought it was cool then cause i was too young to understand that my dad had left & abandoned me. I thought my step dad would do everything in his power to become the best dad he could be to make up for me not having one to begin with. As I got older i started to realize my dad was never there & that he was a gambling drunk. Of course this was after my mom & step dad got divorced my 9th grade year. I left for the summer & when i came back he wasnt there. My depression started before all this though , it actually started when i moved away from florida. I lived around all my family & then had to move away from them. I would dwell on it & think about it all day long. It seemed that bad things just kept happening to me & i would constantly think about every little bad thing & i still do to this day. my friend committed suicide in 8th grade & it made me appreciate life for a while but not for long. i wanted to die, i felt like there was never going to be good change. i got sick of hiding & crying & i just wanted to sleep forever. Every moment i was awake time went by extremely slow & when i was sleeping time would go by fast. in 7th grade i discovered alcohol & how well it hid my problems for at least a little while. it wasnt an everyday thing but the times i did have it, i overdid it. i didnt want to feel anything anymore, i wanted to be numb to all the pain. i cut my wrists & i made plans to hang myself. my mom made me see a therapist in 8th grade because i was so depressed. they diagnosed me with ADHD & Depression. I started medication for both issues. After a while i couldnt sleep anymore, so they gave me trazodone to take before bed. The medicine made me a zombie, i was a body living with no feelings inside. which i liked for a while but after awhile i missed being depressed because that was all i knew. I stopped taking the depression medicine & once again became depressed. I felt like i was going to hit rock bottom, so just to make sure i did i took 15 trazodone. I didnt wanna be here anymore. i felt like a failure & that nobody needed me. i woke up the next morning puking up medicine & i just told my mom i was sick. i overdosed on sleeping pills & pain killers quite a few times after that, but not enough to hospitalize me or for my mom to find out just enough to make me sick. i wanted more than anything to be better & to be happy. i knew i needed help but my mom wouldnt get me the help i needed. it didnt matter how much trouble i got into , how much i cried in front of her , how much pills i took, she just didnt understand & she still doesnt. i thought maybe depression was a sickness i could get rid of, but the truth is you cant. its there with you forever. you will always have up weeks & down weeks where you dont wanna get outta bed. you will ever have a enough serotonin in your brainto make you happy on your own. for some medicine works but for me it doesnt. there has to be some reason or purpose as to why i am like this. this depression never leaves me alone & i wish more than anything i could take it away. i cant have normal relationships with anyody. people think im miserable & the truth is i am. The crying & wanting to kill myself is never going to end. IM SIXTEEN & I BATTLE DEPRESSION .

aliveandstillsad aliveandstillsad
18-21, F
3 Responses May 18, 2009

Im just wondering if this has subsided since its past a year now? I am dealing with something similar and was hoping you would have some advice of some kind.

If the medication doesn't work, then it is much more than just chemicals with u... it is the way u think & maybe that u need a higher, more beautiful purpose to be able to live happily... or support. if u are lacking in support from ur family & friends, if it is that it is difficult for u to have relationships... i am sorry. any of these 3 things can help u if u give urself to them, but unfortunately, i can't tell u when they will come. i can't be there to show u how beautiful life can be, how the smallest walk can be a grand adventure... believe me, girl, it can, it is. it is just hidden.<br />
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i get depressed from time to time, but it is mostly just chemical with me, because most of the time i am a very optimistic person, & i really do have lots of love in my life... love is the reason i live. & beauty. the sun, the stars, blades of grass, the dew on them, the falling leaves, the wind on my skin... these things really do make me smile.<br />
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please look for those things... try to see them as i do... try to draw them & understand their lines? maybe u'll discover peace, even if u are not a good artist.<br />
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i know what it is like to only want to sleep, wanting to sleep forever, wanting to be closed & away from the pain of the world... but that is not living. i know what it is to want to die... but that is a waste of this gift that u have. please don't be mad at my saying so, but ur senses are a gift. if ur feelings betray u, try to live through ur senses... & hopefully u'll find new feelings.<br />
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message me whenever u want... i want to help u, talk to u about our days. :) i don't want u to be sad! u're only 16! u have so much to live for. one day u'll see.<br />
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love, reina. xoxo.

A tragic life with no end, misery with no end, no hope for a better day, and even if a good day should come it won't last. People your age shouldn't have to deal with things like this alone. I'm sorry the world is so horribly ****** up, if I could change it I would.