Battling My Own Mind

I've battled depression since I was in my early teens. I'm 29 now. I've been on medication since I was 17, nonstop. I hate it. I've battled postpartum depression twice. I could have easily been hospitalized quite a few times but thankfully bullshitted my way out of it each time. I've been on tons of different meds and actually have a stockpile. I'm sick of them. I feel like a psychiatrist's guinea pig and a zombie and I want off this god-forsaken rollercoaster. I want to be normal. I want to know what it is like to live without popping pills everyday. To just live life in a clear state. It's been 12 years since I've had a clear mind.  What is it like to be able to NOT have to go in for refills or see a psychologist, who does nothing but feed you your own bullshit back to you with a silver spoon? "Well what do YOU think will help?"  Duh, I don't know.  Having had good parents and winning the powerball? Isn't that why I go to YOU?  What do these people get paid for, again?

Anyway, I'm at the point where I'm ready to self-wean off these meds. Every time I go to the psychiatrist, she tells me to "give it more time" and then slaps on another prescription to my cocktail.  I go to see her again tomorrow and it's now or never. I'm getting off this poison if it's the last thing I do. I'm not letting these psychiatrists get anymore pharmaceutical kickbacks off of my name and problems. Notice they prescribe the most expensive drugs they can?  Even the pens they write with promote drugs. Their calendars, notepads, sticky notes. Their screensavers, tote bags, and mousepads. But, oh, they are there to help US, not their own pocketbook.

Yeah, whatever.

aka746 aka746
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 21, 2007

i understand how tough it is to deal with depression i go through it to if drugs are of no help i wonder if you try vitamins , i cannot sday they will be of help but if you are tired of the drugs they at least provide an alternate choice