Blah, Blah, Blah...and I'm Still Here!!!

September 11, 2006
It’s sad when you get used to a flavor-less life. I mean, **** just loses its flavor…like I have a life-cold, or something. I still force myself to participate but, most of the time, I just feel numb.
I drove downtown over the weekend…to get a sandwich that I really like but can only get from down there. It was good. I certainly did enjoy it. I still enjoy food…a lot, actually. You’d never know it by looking at me cuz I’m really thin. I just don’t eat often enough…appetite comes and goes. But, when it’s here, I can eat enough for three men then munch on gummi bears for the rest of the day. Guess this is what I live off of for the rest of the time when I forget to eat cuz I’m just not hungry.
I went downtown during the week last week, too….to take pictures. They were really sucky pictures. But, at least I did it.
I measure the value of my days by whether or not I can manage to be productive, in any way, shape or form. If the house gets cleaned (which, its usually ALWAYS clean…and, I don’t just mean straightened…I mean dusted, mopped, etc.) I really feel reassured…like I’m getting SOMEthing done. Today is an example of a very productive day. Here’s what I’ve accomplished: I took the two big garbage cans out to the road for the garbage man this morning, kept a 10 a.m. appointment, gathered and completed some necessary paperwork, cut ALL the grass, practiced guitar, spoke with one of my daughter’s teachers on the phone, edited some photos. I did three shoots last week…senior pictures. I should have business cards printed next week. I’ve also managed to secure a $1500 settlement for my daughter who was in a car accident last year. I get stuff done. It just takes me a REALLY long time. I feel really good, actually, about the amount of myself I’m actually able to contribute to the world. But, the world never thinks it’s enough. I have to be superwoman, or something, to be acceptable….not that I’m trying to be “accepted.” It’s just really lonely to live an existence where you know you are accepted (let alone appreciated) by so few.
It’s two in the afternoon and I’m exhausted. I’d love to call it a day…just take a bath and chill….but…I still have a whole backyard to clean and food banks to call….rent to pay…
MysticWriter MysticWriter 36-40, F 9 Responses Sep 11, 2006

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I agree, mysticwriter - the knowledge that you will survive is very powerful - it gives you a strong core. For me, my depression has been clinical mostly, but i have also suffered from reactive depression following some traumas in my life. What helps me now is knowing that nothing i am faced with will ever be as bad as what i have been through - i know that no matter how bad things get there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

When my depression is purely clinical it is harder for me to see that light - and there are things you can do to help yourself (i am a big believer in cognitive therapy) - but i do think that sometimes people need that little help to get their mood to a level where they are able to help themselves - or want to help themselves.

there so much truth in everything that's being said here. there IS some chemical thing that happens during depression. but, scientifically, it's STILL a big mystery as to exactly WHAT triggers the change! so, it's sort of like a "what comes first, the chicken or the egg?" thing.

for me, the whole "don't feel like getting out of bed" thing....that only EVER happened to me as a result of losing hope. that's what it feels like when you have no hope. i mean....what's the point, right? no hope for feeling good, no hope for wanting anything, no hope, period. why get up and walk around?

i've been medication free for several years, after overdosing on the **** they said was supposed to help me. i've done a LOT of research (at least 5 years worth) and a lot of documenting my own stuff.

the most important thing i've learned? ::

NO MATTER WHAT, you've GOT to have hope and hope is always there when you have faith. sometimes, we can't see or even sense the light at the end of the tunnell. sometimes, we are surrounded by darkness. but, all it takes to make it through is KNOWING that there is LIGHT.

you don't even have to be religious or spiritual to buy into this theory. to put it simply: physics proves that what goes up must come down! every good thing is the catalyst for a bad thing and every bad thing is the catalyst for a good thing. EVERY thing is temporary!!!!!!

anyway, this is what always gets me through. i look back at all the HORRENDOUS moments i thought i'd NEVER survive.....i remember the aching, desperate pierce in my deepest gutt; how i couldn't see a way out; i couldn't see a solution; i had no hope. BUT, I MADE IT THROUGH!! every single time. it's simple arithematic, now!

I also love The Secret!!! Everyone should read it!!!

Depression isn't always a case of feeling down because bad things have happened to you. There are different types of depression - the two that i am aware of are reactive and clinical.

Reactive depression is caused by a reaction to something that has happened in your life - a death, a trauma - it is your bodys way of allowing you to feel and heal in my opinion. Too often people experience loss and just get back to their lives and try to forget about it - reactive depression forces you to deal with the issues. It is a healing process and so, even though it feels really bad, it does serve a purpose.

Clinical depression, on the other hand, is a result of a chemical imbalance - you can have the greatest life, know what all your best choices are and still be too depressed to deal with it! Its not something that you can think your way out of - quiet simply your body isn't producing the correct hormones in the correct quantities to enable you to function properly. It is a real illness - not something that you can just shake off.

I do agree that there are things that people who suffer from depression can do to help themselves. But you have to be in the right place to do that - if you are so depressed that you cannot face getting out of bed then you need chemical help to make you strong enough to start helping yourself. It is not just a case of 'doing something' to help yourself. Sometimes you can't - and i get really annoyed when people who don't understand depression say 'just help yourself'!!

I agree that there are people who sit under their depression - they feel bad about things that have happened to them and they allow themselves to become victims...but that is not always the case!!

I don't understand why so many people are depressed. I've had a lot of f'd up things happen to me, and I seem to be disappointed frequently. Even so, I always manage to come up with a new goal or project to concentrate on, and the effort required in focusing on something re-energizes my mind and generates hope for some kind of change..Real change, not the type politicians promise. It's real because it came from ME, not someone else. We all need at least one person in our lives for support, but being alone does not have to mean being depressed. I know that self-motivation doesnt make bad feelings go away completely, but what choice do we have? In fact, that's the point: think about your choices, and ACT on your best one. Unfortunately, you must take charge of your're not going to become happy by accident. And realize there is someone somewhere who can relate to your predicament, no matter how bad it seems.

YEAH, bluezone!! The Secret is great! My son bought it for himself when he was home over Christmas break. IT REALLY WORKS!!! I realize, it's the same stuff Jesus taught in the Bible..."With faith the size of a mustard seed...." The Secret has been around for forever. You can read about it in Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walshe and in Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. But, The Secret is the first time I've come accross clear, specific, step-by-step instructions!!!

Thank you for your comment! More people need to learn about The Secret

Try reading "The Secret" and watching the movie. I suffered depression for 30 years and have been rescued from suicide. After reading and watching "The Secret" I put the ideals to work and within 1 day I was feeling so much better. My thoughts actually returned a friend to me that I thought was gone for good.

I find that my close knit family and relatives blame me for my illness. I find I can not be acceptable to them ever.

So I started searching for something inside of me which would give me the strength to carry on.

I just watched a really good movie which talks about Zen, living in the moment. Not worried about the past or present. It also talks about who are you when you can not do the thing you love. And they talk about a whole lot of other hard questions while seeing 2 guys relate out of respect for each other.

One guy is a gymnast, and the other guy, "Socrates", does what he wants when he wants. Socarates is the guy giving the advice. He does not seem like much, but he can move mountains with his philosophy.

This movie came at a time when I had many questions. It turns out sometimes I already do what Socrates says, and sometimes I act like the Kid/20 year old.

It is a very DEEP movie. I would highly recommend it for those of us who are lost.

I would love some advice from you or anyone on how to become a Rock in this world. So nothing anyone says bothered you and that you could give cheer to anyone who approaches you. At least that is my goal.

I find I have moments I need to sequester myself into my bedroom because I feel so horrible because of my illness, I'm afraid I will not reach that goal. And, in my eyes, to do the opposite would be a disaster.

I know what you mean about the numb feeling. Did this feeling get triggered by something that happened or it just happened one day? To be productive and participate in life seems to help me too. I never thought about the 'feeling appreciated' part that you mentioned. Maybe that is part of me feeling so unmotivated and hopeless. I have informed myself by reading and talking about what ails me, but I still feel numb on a good day, and sad the rest of the time. My state of mind started with discovering I was deceived and used by someone I really cared about. I used to be happy about the littlest things and proactive about all aspects of life. Now (for the last year) my thinking has changed.

Do you talk to anyone about your feelings? I have... but I think I'm a downer to friends so they don't really include me in fun things anymore. They do not want to be reminded of what happened to me because it makes them feel sorry for me. I can't offer much, it seems.

Getting to the root of what is really bothering you is the key to getting back into life. I am looking into my behavior to examine if my behaviour is congruent with my values, and also am examining my needs for security and connectiveness. There seems to be connections here with my emotional state.