Blah, Blah, Blah...and I'm Still Here!!!September 11, 2006
It’s sad when you get used to a flavor-less life. I mean, **** just loses its flavor…like I have a life-cold, or something. I still force myself to participate but, most of the time, I just feel numb.
I drove downtown over the weekend…to get a sandwich that I really like but can only get from down there. It was good. I certainly did enjoy it. I still enjoy food…a lot, actually. You’d never know it by looking at me cuz I’m really thin. I just don’t eat often enough…appetite comes and goes. But, when it’s here, I can eat enough for three men then munch on gummi bears for the rest of the day. Guess this is what I live off of for the rest of the time when I forget to eat cuz I’m just not hungry.
I went downtown during the week last week, too….to take pictures. They were really sucky pictures. But, at least I did it.
I measure the value of my days by whether or not I can manage to be productive, in any way, shape or form. If the house gets cleaned (which, its usually ALWAYS clean…and, I don’t just mean straightened…I mean dusted, mopped, etc.) I really feel reassured…like I’m getting SOMEthing done. Today is an example of a very productive day. Here’s what I’ve accomplished: I took the two big garbage cans out to the road for the garbage man this morning, kept a 10 a.m. appointment, gathered and completed some necessary paperwork, cut ALL the grass, practiced guitar, spoke with one of my daughter’s teachers on the phone, edited some photos. I did three shoots last week…senior pictures. I should have business cards printed next week. I’ve also managed to secure a $1500 settlement for my daughter who was in a car accident last year. I get stuff done. It just takes me a REALLY long time. I feel really good, actually, about the amount of myself I’m actually able to contribute to the world. But, the world never thinks it’s enough. I have to be superwoman, or something, to be acceptable….not that I’m trying to be “accepted.” It’s just really lonely to live an existence where you know you are accepted (let alone appreciated) by so few.
It’s two in the afternoon and I’m exhausted. I’d love to call it a day…just take a bath and chill….but…I still have a whole backyard to clean and food banks to call….rent to pay…