Fed Up of Getting Depression

I started getting depression when i was about 13 when my sister left home, my parents were always strict but something changed in the house. My dad was always in a really bad mood and took it out on me. without going into detail because i could be here forever, i started to self harm, all through school i managed to get away with no one finding out. My depression was constantly there, and the few friends i did have drifted away because they didnt understand. Boyfriends have come and go, and never seem to understand me. Some jobs I have had have made my depression worse, but my current one I love but going through redundancies at the moment.

I have been with my current boyfriend for about a year and a half, we live together with his mate. Up to the last few months, it has been great and for the first time ever I had not had depression for a whole year, i actually felt like I had finally beaten it. Or so i thought! At the moment my boyfriend doesnt work because he lost his job and then broke his leg. He hasnt worked now for nearly a year and been living off of his savings. I know that i cant make him find a job, but when i come home from work, it is so frustrating to get back to a messy house, he's done nothing all day and then expects me to have the energy to go out and do things when I am shattered from work.

This is putting a huge strain our relationship and I am not very happy most days which he is struggling with, but the main cause of me not being happy is getting frustrated with him for being lazy and argumentative. I dont know what else to do, I love him but he is driving me crazy and i am starting to dread coming home from work just in case we have another arguement.

I thought that this stupid depression was finally gone but this has been on and off for about 13 years now!

4 Responses Aug 26, 2009

It sounds like you do have depression well handled for the most part... but your boyfriend's lack of motivation is causing the pendulum to swing back.<br />
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I suggest a book which has opened my eyes a fair deal; not to do with depression, but to deal with a difficult relationship like this. It is titled "Love is a Verb". Numerous first-hand tales of people in strained relationships or difficult times and the steps they took to fix them. Everything from a new toddler neighbour who comes by for a surprise (and not wholly welcome) visit, to a mother whose family life was shattered when she learned her son had sexually abused his niece.<br />
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You would be surprised at the changes that can happen in your boyfriend when you practice the same ideas...

thanks for your suggestions, i have spoken to him a few times about everything but he finds it a bit to much. He is very laid back compared to me and never worries about a thing, where as I am the complete opposite.<br />
I do eat quite healthily, and try to do exercise but when finishing work it is hard to find the energy to do anything.<br />
I used to work for a mental health team, so i do recognise the signs of my anxiety and depression, but also makes it hard to see anyone as they may be old work colleagues which I wouldnt feel comfortable with.<br />
I know i dont have personality disorder or schizophrenia, and i dont think my symptoms are severe enough for bi-polar.<br />
I think i question more whether i have SAD but this year i have been absolutely fine up until a couple of months ago.<br />
I think i just have always worried unneccessarily about things. I always care what people think far too much.<br />
I am like anyone and want an easy life, but with me and my boyfriend arguing a lot, and redundancies at work going on, it definately doesnt help me to be cheerful, which then has a bad effect on him.<br />
He seems to be cheerful all the time, and i really dont know how he does it, i'd love to be like that!<br />
I get constant headaches (which i've had checked out) and am tired all the time (which i've also had checked out!) so its hard to find enthusiasm when he wants to go out and do things like a bike ride.<br />
Hopefully i'll get a boost of energy at some point, as i hate feeling like this!<br />
sorry for the rant!

I agree with abhi I think that communication is the main problem. Would your boyfriend continue this action if he knew how it was making you feel? I say just be careful when talking to him about it. Try not to make the conversation about the fact that he doesn't have a job or that he doesn't do housework immediately, he is obviously depressed from something try to figure out the route of the problem. It's probably the long period of inactivity and a lost sense of self. You should probably even consider talking to him about your feelings of depression recently but try to stay away from words that denote blame. If he is depressed right now it explains his increased irritability but does not excuse it.<br />
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Also you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling frustrated about the situation. If the roles were reversed how would he feel? I think that frustration is the natural response to your situation.<br />
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If you have had recurring or prolonged periods of depression there may be a deeper routed problem in place. Perhaps even talking to a therapist or counselor you might be able to narrow it down or eliminate serious problems. But if say you are bi-polar,schizophrenic or suffer from a borderline personality disorder it will take an amount of effort on your part to help distinguish which ones characteristics best suit your situation not just a Dr(but don't self diagnose).<br />
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For some immediate relief from depression there are a few things you can try. Exposure to sun or bright lights increases serotonin which makes you happier. Strenuous exercise will help increasing your endorphins and serotonin levels(which will raise your mood). Also a healthier diet can help, you might not be ingesting enough of certain proteins and enzymes needed to produce enough hormones and neurotransmitters related to an elated mood. Dark greens and strong colors in fruits and vegetables are good things to look for. An imbalance in diet,exercise or exposure to sun can cause depressive symptoms and over a prolonged amount of time it can create a serious imbalance in your general mood.

I think it is a problem with your communication, have you shared your frustration with your BF.If he is not responsive ask him what you should do, if he is a pessimist first take him to counsellers to fix the problem.<br />
I do not agree with you that he is not capable of any work..Take him to proper counselling.