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My Kingdom For An Ounce of Joy

First post as I just joined here but I thought I would share my story in hopes anyone not close to me might have advice... here goes. 

My Life Before Therapy

I am only 35 but have also been faced with things like unemployment, underemployment, overwhelming debt, lack of family (horrible divorce between my mom and dad leaving everyone distant), emotional and physical abuse, small pool of distant friends, and a wife who almost left me when I retreated into World of Warcraft for over a year.

During Therapy

I am now working as a School Bus Driver (3rd year doing this) as I complete an online Master's Degree in Computers.  I live in a really nice house that is 2/3 paid for after moving last year  (My wife and I made some excellent decisions pre-boom with an estate property purchase that sold high -- though I have sizable credit debts which I am thankfully not struggling with. Yet.).  My degree should be completed in about a year as I am gearing up to writing my Master's Essay.  All of this was possible with therapy and luck BUT.

Where I am Today

I love my wife (who seems to be turning into a workaholic) and we have talked seriously over the last few years about starting a family.  I really want kids of my own and I think my bioClock has kicked into overdrive the last few years.  Today, Im stressed with school assigments and new home landscaping but other than that my life can be pretty mundane.  

All of the above has been my driving force to keep going in life (say the last decade) but I have a nagging feeling/question in my soul about why am I here?  What am I doing? Where am I going?  Is it worth it? What is the point?  I don't feel suicidal or anything but I don't see things improving for me at this basic level.  It's like I'm stuck, shuffling through each day hoping the next will be better.

Most of the time I feel like I am alone with this feeling.  Everyone else around me seems focused in their lives.  I am bright, fairly handsome, and charming (some of the time) but I feel constantly disconnected with life.  Does anyone have suggestions on things I might do, things I should think about that will help me to enjoy what I have and just be happy? 

My kingdom for an ounce of joy.

Beyonder

Beyonder7 Beyonder7 31-35, M 6 Responses Sep 16, 2009

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She "the one"... is very lucky to have you in her life.. :-)

Something else just occurrd to me. Before I met "the one", I was her best friend in Junior High. Shortly before we started dating she was raped by a mutal friend and I think this was the first time I really fell to peices over something. This experience was so tragic for me that I was hospitalized for two weeks while trying to come to terms with what had happened.<br />
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While I was in that ward, I befriended an old lady who came to watch me shoot hoops in the gym everyday. I remember that I was so focused and hardly missed any shots. To be perfect was my way to not deal with the pain I was in. The day I left, she met me in the hall as I was walking out. She said, "Becareful out there, sometimes the world is not very kind." I cried so hard as I hugged her goodbye that her kindness and her wisdom will stay with me forever. I think that is why I'm here looking for insight. People who have been through the fire have an insight, a wisdom, and compassion that others who have not faced their demons just simply do not have.<br />
<br />
I really appreciate anyone's comments as I quest for an oasis in life.<br />
<br />
Bey

Something else just occurrd to me. Before I met "the one", I was her best friend in Junior High. Shortly before we started dating she was raped by a mutal friend and I think this was the first time I really fell to peices over something. This experience was so tragic for me that I was hospitalized for two weeks while trying to come to terms with what had happened.<br />
<br />
While I was in that ward, I befriended an old lady who came to watch me shoot hoops in the gym everyday. I remember that I was so focused and hardly missed any shots. To be perfect was my way to not deal with the pain I was in. The day I left, she met me in the hall as I was walking out. She said, "Becareful out there, sometimes the world is not very kind." I cried so hard as I hugged her goodbye that her kindness and her wisdom will stay with me forever. I think that is why I'm here looking for insight. People who have been through the fire have an insight, a wisdom, and compassion that others who have not faced their demons just simply do not have.<br />
<br />
I really appreciate anyone's comments as I quest for an oasis in life.<br />
<br />
Bey

Been doing a bit of thinking about the last time I really felt content. Was it when I got married? graduated? first place? etc. None of this seems to apply. For sure these were big events where I was happy but not the kind of enduring happiness (general contentness) that rushes to me when I wake up and only leaves when I fall asleep -- which is what I think I am looking for so desperately. Im seeking peace but all I feel is tortured.<br />
<br />
So, the last time I remember peace... I think I was in high school thinking the future was looking so bright, that my life was headed for good things. In particular I was in love with 'the one' who left me to discover herself (apparently she's now divorcing but I digress...). My family was together. I felt like everyone cared, that I had a place, that I was not alone. <br />
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So what changed? My family split up and I lost my closest support blanket (which apparently I needed). I went through therapy and discovered that my intellect was overdeveloped but my emotional quotient was **** poor. Some days I could barely keep it together over any little thing that happened. Like my mom telling me to 'have a nice life'. I forgive her as I know she's sick but I feel scarred, broken. My wife has played a big role in my improvement. Her family is awesome, she is awesome. She inspires me, though I am concerned for the future. Im always guilty of being too forward thinking, and its driving me nuts feeling like Im so blind in understanding myself.<br />
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I am still seeing my therapist every 3 months or so but the issues being dealt with currently are kickstarting my career back up while this other internal thought process is killing me slowly. I need to find this switch off; I need to find this contentment and peace; I can not acknowledge that their is nothing I can do...<br />
<br />
Bey

UpandUnder, thanks for your comment. I took a moment to read your profile story and your comment about illness having benefits resonated with me. I do however wish sometimes that I wasn't so internalized and able to be like the carefree go-easy types that I bump into (my wife being one of them ;) ) But I guess I just wouldn't be me then lol.<br />
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Perhaps I am just realizing the value of family making it all worth it. This summer I travelled to Asia and was shocked by the number of people sharing this world. It was difficult looking at everyone praying to their gods with this nagging question -- Is this all there is? <br />
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Any suggestions on how to flip this nag switch in my head "off"?

Who says men don't have biological clocks? :) I'm 45 and mine is ticking loudly. What you wrote sounds to like the realization people come to when they find that family is the only thing that makes life worthwhile. I've had step-kids, and they have a way of getting you off the treadmill to what really matters. Maybe it's time. Good luck!