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Troubled By My Mistakes

I've battled with depression for a year now. I first started dealing with it when I left for college last September. I have severe social anxiety (which stems from my Asperger's Syndrome), though I do feel the need to be around people, so because of my SA, I stayed in my room 95% of the time, even skipping classes. This caused me to feel extremely lonely and extremely guilty, since I was wasting my parents' tuition payments, and was lying to them about going to classes and about doing my homework. I used every excuse in the book to delude myself into thinking that what I was doing was okay. By the spring semester, though, I couldn't stand it any longer, and started thinking about either running away or about committing suicide. The spray bottle of glass cleaner on my dresser had never looked as appealing as it did then. Neither had the five-story drop from my dorm room window. I even looked up homeless shelters near my college, so that I could know where to go if I did run away.

Thankfully, as of today, I'm still alive and safe. But my depression hasn't left me yet. I still struggle with the fact that I need to become self-reliant, since I have a real phobia of that. Also, I don't have any real friends as of yet, but that's definitely a goal of mine. I currently see a therapist every two weeks, and I'm on an anti-anxiety med (though I've been on that for the past seven years, so it isn't a recent thing).

But yeah, that's my story. Thanks for reading (if you actually did). Ciao. :-)
itshannah itshannah 19-21, F 32 Responses Sep 20, 2006

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We Carry This Knowledge Every Day –
*** 2:11 For The Grace Of God That Bringeth Salvation Hath Appeared To All Men,
Jesus Is Our Sin Bearer.
1pe 3:18 For Christ Also Hath Once Suffered For Sins, The Just For The Unjust, That He Might Bring Us To God, Being Put To Death In The Flesh, But Quickened By The Spirit:
B. Jesus Is Your Sacrifice. –
Be Hold The Lamb Of God, Which Takes Away The Sins Of The World.
Eph 1:7 In Whom We Have Redemption Through His Blood, The Forgiveness Of Sins, According To The Riches Of His Grace;
Jesus Is Your Forgiver – Father Forgive Them Col 2:13 And You, Being Dead In Your Sins And The Uncircumcision Of Your Flesh, Hath He Quickened Together With Him, Having Forgiven You All Trespasses

Oh man, good for you for keeping on! That's awesome. I had social anxiety too.. ever wonder why you're so anxious around others? I realized for me, it's because somewhere in my mind they were the kings, and I was the pawn- their assessment of me (sometimes I made up what they were thinking), my mistakes, my successes moved my world into utter embarrassment and sometimes hatred of myself.
Do you ever wonder what would happen if you made someone else king over your life? What would that look like...

I like people and I love my family and kids and would never do anything to hurt anyone, yet there are still times I feel that after a lifetime of working every day and doing without and not making enough money they would have been better off if they never met me. I am so sorry I've wasted everyones time and life and energy and wish I could just crawl into oblivion somewhere, just disappear. Not cost anyone anything or have any way to find me, just leave them whatever little bit of stuff there is so they'd be ok at least for a while and otherwise be home with GOD.

yeah, I\'ve made mistakes and done dumb stuff. Nothing uncommon, really. Just not good, either. Just dumb. Can you pray to die in your sleep and get it?

You see a therapist once every 2 weeks and have had anti anxiety, the same thing, for 7 years. You are guaranteeing depression will grow and dominate you. Therapists can't help until a shrink has seen you, diagnosed you and raised your mood via meds. Then, when can think rationally again, a therapist IS the answer and way out But remember this. No one is ever going to be able to tell you the answer. They can only help YOU do the work to find your answers and find the right path.<br />
<br />
YOU do all the work, they assist. I'd suggest CBT to you once your mood has been raised suffificiently but I know what you will do. You''ll go get a book on CBT, read it, understand it easily and then give up as you won't be able to practice it at that depth of mood. Don't get the book until you've done the forst things. Shrink, back to therapy and then CBT.<br />
<br />
If you try the CBT first it's like changing a flat tyre. There's a process whicxh must be followed else it won't work. IE if you decide driving is the end result of that process and start trying to drive before fising it, it will fail and you'll do more damage to the car won't you.<br />
<br />
Be the car, do it right.

You're not alone...this the 3rd time that I'm going through this phase.....my 3rd bout started after I had to quit my job to take care of health issues that require rest.......

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Hi, I am a happy confident person. I have lots of concern to others who are not as lucky as me to have such an extrovert personality. I am willing to listen or exchange emails with anyone who are in depression. Lets talk about it and see if you can see the world from my side, and how people like me think about you. It surprisingly different of what you assume!

I am glad you are getting help and I hope it is working, you and your parents however must be driving your recovery because if you have been on anti-anziety meds for 7 years and you aren't seeing any change then maybe you need to change meds, change dosage, to find out what will work for you. I truly believe you can have a fulfilling life managed by meds and therapy. Good luck to you!

I am glad you are getting help and I hope it is working, you and your parents however must be driving your recovery because if you have been on anti-anziety meds for 7 years and you aren't seeing any change then maybe you need to change meds, change dosage, to find out what will work for you. I truly believe you can have a fulfilling life managed by meds and therapy. Good luck to you!

i had it all fame ,love popularity. i was a national soccer pla<x>yer the.<br />
the coaches favorite the schools most popular kid everyone knew me.<br />
i still have nightmares of that night when the stadium was packed all eyes on me.i came running down the field with the ball at my feet .feeling the rush of air and all the cheers everyone depending on me cheering my name counting on me.<br />
its not a dream its a nightmare because if i had made that shot my team would have won the nationals but it was all my fault i always chant in my head it was your fault it wsas your fault .<br />
as i ran for the goal ...i could have made that shot .<br />
i think of what could have been me on my teams shoulders my name chanted over and over all the fame but then reality crashes down it was your fault.soccer was my passion my life but after that game i never played again and never watched a soccer game in my life.<br />
it was all because of my swollen ego i could have passed that ball but no i wanted to make that goal...........<br />
now i want to coach a team to victory but im now insecure and dont have it in me any more plz <br />
tell me what to do . i was the life of the party everyones advisor the spirit lifter bt what do you do when you need someone to lift your spirit but put on a fake smile so no one worries about you.<br />
i need advice

i had it all fame ,love popularity. i was a national soccer pla<x>yer the.<br />
the coaches favorite the schools most popular kid everyone knew me.<br />
i still have nightmares of that night when the stadium was packed all eyes on me.i came running down the field with the ball at my feet .feeling the rush of air and all the cheers everyone depending on me cheering my name counting on me.<br />
its not a dream its a nightmare because if i had made that shot my team would have won the nationals but it was all my fault i always chant in my head it was your fault it wsas your fault .<br />
as i ran for the goal ...i could have made that shot .<br />
i think of what could have been me on my teams shoulders my name chanted over and over all the fame but then reality crashes down it was your fault.soccer was my passion my life but after that game i never played again and never watched a soccer game in my life.<br />
it was all because of my swollen ego i could have passed that ball but no i wanted to make that goal...........<br />
now i want to coach a team to victory but im now insecure and dont have it in me any more plz <br />
tell me what to do . i was the life of the party everyones advisor the spirit lifter bt what do you do when you need someone to lift your spirit but put on a fake smile so no one worries about you.<br />
i need advice

Im not really in depression but i need someone to talk to.<br />
you know how it feels sometimes when you have no one in the world to support you.<br />
thats how i feel in my old school i was the most popular kid in school i had it all love from everyone respect no one dared say anything bad about me because i had ties with other cool kids at school.<br />
i wasnt mean i was sweet innocent,smart intelligant..etc etc.<br />
i was the best athlete ,best soccer pla<x>yer,an actor,a comedian,a younger sister to many,a sports commentary and much more. but ever since i came to my new school im so to my self and dont socialize at all.<br />
for a young girl i was the best the apple of every teachers eye but im not the kind that can shut up for a long time let alone a short time suddenly i fell like im not fitting in that ive lost my humor and dont wanna show my talents ive thought of suicide many times but dont have the heart to let my family go through that pain.<br />
<br />
to read any of experiences look me up in one of the categories in this website this was just my intro my stories are much worse

gud job:) keep up the good work:)

I can very much identity with having social anxiety, because I suffer from social anxiety too And find it is difficult to talk to other people, because they don't understand what it's like for me I just isolate myself and don't go out unless I need to see my doctor or go for medical appointments. I was seeing a counselor too, but not in the last 3 months, because she has been on maternity leave, but I am happy to hear that you are seeing a therapist.

This same thing happened to me ... 35 years ago. Went to med school. Couldn't make friends. Nobody wanted to know me and if I did make any approaches I was either ignored or, as I left, I could hear them smirking and snickering behind my back. I started cutting classes to stop feeling so much of an outsider. Eventually I cut so many that my parents were contacted by the college. I was invited to see the college authorities, expecting help for what I now recognise as depression and social anxiety. Instead, I was made to feel even more worthless and, more or less, was offered the option of resigning or being thrown out. The last words the (very angry) director of study said to me were: "We don't want your sort in this university." <br />
I left the building and, on the way to the bus stop, walked into a park, sat on a bench and sobbed my heart out. It hit me that not only did my peers want nothing to do with me, neither did anyone else. I have never felt so alone. I was 19. <br />
I am now 53 and still feel isolated and unwanted. My Catch-22 is that I cannot cope with human contact, but I get lonely and long for kind words.<br />
I still suffer from depression and social anxiety, but not a day goes by that I don't regret cutting classes and not working harder to find friends and to ignore the people who made fun of me. I often wonder if I'd have been a good doctor. I'm safe to say that I would have been a very empathetic and kind one.<br />
Please don't make the same mistakes I did. I know you feel awful and isolated, but unless you work at it now and doing your best to understand that you are never the failure you think you are, you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of regret.

itshannah,<br />
you are not alone.<br />
this has been proven to you but the outpouring of support here.<br />
What helped me was several things.<br />
1. physical activity...going for a walk, running, sports, whatever you can do to get your body moving gets you out of your head...a good thing.<br />
2. NLP and hypnosis- I have posted about this to other people too. Do some research on it online.<br />
It really works.<br />
3. creativity- for me it was creating my music and film, but for you it could be art, writing, or whatever you like.<br />
<br />
The thing all of thes have in common is for you to stop thinking about how you feel, which perpetuates the cycle. You need to break out of the cycle, and you must do something that distracts you, even tricks you into feeling good. Then it starts a positive cycle, which feeds on itself. But since you have been in your cycle for many years, its alot of work to break it and start a positive one, which is why I advise you to research and find someone to work with on this.<br />
<br />
You can be happy...but you have to want to be happy and do whatever it takes to get there.<br />
Break the cycle.

- It's crazy when the sun is shining through my window , kids are playing in the park , couples are having picnics , people are swimming in the sea and here I am avoiding life sitting alone in my room – I know what it’s like. In this climate, when the numbers of people who are going under is going up. It's not even called depression any more. This is about not feeling comfortable in your skin. And not being able to check in with anyone else. A lot of people don't know how to live life, so they avoid it ..<br />
- <br />
- I'm no expert but just small steps and small changes can make a HUGE difference. Tomorrow, for once, please just stop beating yourself up. Try to have a really different day. When I’m really depressed, I try to shake up my life and practically do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. <br />
<br />
I've always said that apathy leads to apathy. Energy leads to energy and sadness is simply sad. It's very difficult to make yourself happy. You have to wait until the sadness lifts, go away, and go back to where it came from. <br />
<br />
Somehow, reach out to someone. Join a support group. Join a community website that supports that hobby of yours. Visit a friend. They may need the visit as badly as you do. Friendships work on all different levels. We need friends for different moment, different reasons, and different times of our lives. Sometimes reconnecting with an old friend can really help get me out of a dark spot. <br />
<br />
On a practical not – do try to avoid drinking. It has been proven in many studies to make depression worse. It can also be two to three times as bad if you are taking medications for your depression. Exercise (a walk on the beach or a forest is so good for the soul) produces endorphins in your body which help you to “feel good” and work out the stress that may be a contributing factor. <br />
<br />
The problem I sometimes have is I’m too depressed to exercise. One excuse is as good as another when you just don’t want to exercise. Forcing yourself is one answer. You will thank yourself once you do so. Exercising with a friend is another answer. I found that anti depressants really helped me to cope - I resisted them for a long time but GOD if you want to die - they're certainly a much better option.<br />
<br />
<br />
Just a few ideas…<br />
Good luck –hope things pick up for you.

Our experiences are similar.<br />
I too have been troubled by my mistakes that I have made for 3 years! <br />
I had terrible grades but I finally told my parents and that I wanted to go home. I also suffer from social anxiety. I was pretty much a loner in college and i was far away from home.<br />
I have passed classes but my grades varied from A to F. I was on academic probation, but I told no one about it for the longest time. Was i in denial? Did I have a fat *** ego not willing to admit defeat? I even lied to the people around me. I don't know. I wasted so much money and sometimes I'm still consumed by this guilt. I guess i just didn't have the work ethic? The last semester of my college experience away from home... i was doing drugs. I smoked marijuana, did shrooms, Ecstasy, and LSD. I'm not just consumed by guilt but i'm also questioning myself as a person. I feel like I have lost all of my self worth when I moved back home because the reason I wanted to move out was to gain independence, but I have handled myself poorly. I was horrendously depressed to the point that my motor skills were extremely slow and any happiness with friends and family was consumed by my misdoings. I contemplated suicide but never did anything to hurt myself. There would be days where I couldn't get out of bed because I had no energy to even get to the bathroom to wash up. I didn't even have the energy to make myself something to eat. I would eat one meal a day. It was simply the darkest moment of my life. I was a ghost of a person and lost a significant amount of weight and muscle mass. I said to myself maybe I don't deserve friendships and I definitely know for a fact that I am not ready for a relationship and I do not want anyone to deal with my past behavior. My experience in college has definitely left me in a depersonalized state because it took me 3 years to admit that I was not doing well in school. I would love to ask anyone WHY i did what i did because to this day I still do not have a definite answer. <br />
<br />
I am trying to move on with my life because my past cannot be changed. I try to look forward to my present because I have completely stopped any usage of drugs including alcohol. I'm back in school at home, but sometimes these memories come back to bite my ***. These very same questions spiral around my head... What was i thinking? <br />
<br />
I find solace in this quote: The past cannot be changed the future is yet in your power."-Mary Pickford<br />
I have contemplated, analyzed myself , and sorted out all my personal problems and i'm determined to get my life straightened out. Your brain loves to pick on you when you have the slightest blues mood and some of these memories may resurface, but you need to let them go. Tell yourself that you had enough of this. <br />
Be strong

Have faith and take hope friend. I've been down that road, and even though you probably don't want to hear it right now (I know I didn't), Jesus is the answer you've been looking for. The above poster was right, an unkind spirit has a grip on you. I wouldn't say it if I hadn't experienced it firsthand. I was broken, and no one could heal me, not friends, not family, and definitely not doctors, but God knew exactly what was wrong with me. I'm doing well these days (and I do it without meds). I have full time job, and my social anxieties have disappeared. I could not have done this on my own, trust me.<br />
<br />
When all this is behind you, you may find that God has a very special purpose for you.

Hang in there! The world has not given up on you, as you can tell from the number of posts you have recieved. Read books, blogs, listen to music, take up a hobby (painting, cooking), whatever keep your mind occupied. I know its easier said than done, but try anyway....<br />
You sound like a good person and the world needs you, so dont give up!!!

Hallo ! I joined this forum just now. Ur narration is the first one I read in this forum. Continue medication correctly. Try to be in the group of two or three people u like. Do not stay alone in ur room. In a college like urs, u will like a few and be positive. Have hope all your problems repeat all your problems will be sorted out sooner or later. Concentrate on studies - ur time is to be spent for that only. best wishes

Hi.<br />
I would like to say that was a nice storie. But i bet it hasn't been so nice at all for you."sorry" I LIVE with depression, not suffer from it, and in my eyes theres a BIG difference. I all so have bad anxiety, and in the years of 13 to 14 i didn't go out at all. I don't take any meds any more, i have never like the way they made me feel. But things do get a bit easyer. I do some times have to make my self go out, and i make up a wee goal for myself, i hate that i have to do that just to get out, but it is a lot better than not going out. If that makes sence?<br />
I do hope it does get a bit easyer for you.<br />
Take care.<br />
xxxxx

itshannah-- it may not help that much but i found this in a phone book of all places. it helped me qiut a lot. at one timein my life. ONES DIGNITYMEY BE ASSAULTED. VANALIZED AND CRUELLY MOCKED. BUTCANNOT BE TAKEN AWAY UNLESS SURRENDERED. Michael J Fox. hope it helps. it helped me but everyone is diferent.

itshannah---- im dan im glad you are still here i do know how you feel its hard but think of the happyest time in your life. it sometimes helps a hole lot. i had a stroke at 36 had own company i biult homes loved it now i am relearning math. even writing. if it wasent for this computer i could not talk to many people. my spelling is realy bad now. i had an assoceates degree. in welding and atomotive. iv tryed to no avael to die 4 times . i was on 27 diferent meds a month from 2001 to 2008 i finally said thats it. its over. no more meds. thay sent me to a place called wichita hospital. thats in texas. you do not want to go to one ov those places. its bad. thay held me down and forced the meds that thay could not give in shots and hed my mouth shut. so i would swallow. that was just last year. im 44 now. i finnelly relented. just to get out u have to suck *** to get out or even lie. if your with it at all. thats very hard for two months iv been thinking of goig away . iv been married for 20 years now she works. im on ss. income or as beth says retired im no more around here than a 10 year old .i have two bank accounts. at the time still do but acording to the doctors and the goverment i can not touch them i have to ask my wife to go get it for me. my name is on the accounts but the bank or sociol security. will not even talk to me about anything. cant even coll to see how much i even have in ether account. at first i was parolized on my right side. now unless you now me you cant tell it ever happened. i have somthing like parkinsons. since then i shake a bit my memory is at best .if i do something today after a few days i mite remember things 2 and a half to 3 years latter. my family is graet but some of you know how i am feelig . i not saying by hwho but was told you are not the person i new. thay say now i have depression. angziety. sorry there are more but cant remember tha names of the other two thngs .i go to old freinds to talk everyday. just so i dont think about going on to a better place. sorry i went on for so long. would love to find someone to talk to . about your problem try to find someone to go do something with if its only going to the store to get food os a coke. or to the student center, someone will start a conversation if not just walk up i know its hard. todo. but stand there thay will say something then try to say something sometimes thats all it will take. i hope very much that it works out for you. it sounds like you are to yuong to be thinking about that bottle.on the dressor. there is more pain ther than you hopefully will ever know. if you need to talk it mite help you i know it would help me. just to talk to anyone. about your bottle. iv thought about bridge pillers. guns . pills. and a hol lot more think about the ones that love you. you may not think so but thay do love you very much. even tho you dont think so. thay do. im not saying i wont think about doing it a lot. please talk to someone. most of the time thay will help .i have three kids the last one is just starting collage. i had money put up for collage for all three. its goingto be close on my son. but he will finnish. thay have todo better than i have some of you men will know what i mean about not being able to get your or any money . it makes you feel worthless. right now my life revolves around doctors appointments. im trying hardbut dont knw if i can go on much longer. think a lot of just getting in my truck. and just drive. till i find a small tawn. where noone will ever find me and try to start over. its not that hard in this day and time. if anyone knows of someone to talk to i would love to know ther name oremail address. hannah i do hope to here from you on here again. i know its hard but give it a wile longer. hopefully things will get better you have a lot of things to do in your life please try to stay around to do them.dont do any of the things iv talked about here it will get better. it may just take a while. before i tryed to do what you are talking about it was pour dean now its now he went nuts after his stroke. im not nuts its just very hard to get across to them that iv just changed it well make you very bitter hell. i cant even get sosiol scurity to talk to me about myself. thay told me at the office thay can only talk to beth. now men that makes you feel about 2 inches tall. espeshaly when there are 40 people in the office of a small tawn. and you know most of peaple in there. iv took enough of your time hope to read more from you. i do hope you feel better just give it more time please.

Good morning to you!! Reading your story made me feel like I was reading my own words. It's a struggle dealing with depression and anxiety, I myself started after I quit my career as a nurse, had a nervous breakdown. There is an over-the-counter medication (can find at Walgreens, CVS ect.) called Calms Forte, all natural ingredients and is for anxiety, sleeplessness ect. There's a whole line of products, with no adverse side effects. I went all natural with anxiety and depression meds mainly because the ones the Dr. had given me (seroquel, Zoloft, ativan, xanax, elavil, prozac, zyprexa, ect) made me feel better a while, then I became a zombie and honestly someone I didn't even know. After weaning myself off for about 2 months, I felt as though a cloudy haze had lifted! My big thing is to trust your Dr. and be open about how things make you feel or even not making you feel. I'm so happy to hear that you go see a therapist, that takes courage. How are things going for you at the present?<br />
<br />
Always remember that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's usually a friend Or family member cheering you on!!<br />
<br />
Love, Peace and Happiness Always!!:-)

You're never alone Itshannah!<br />
I just finished up-dating a similar story to yours, but when I clicked on 'Submit' I found the page had expired and I lost all of the up-dates. SPEWIN!<br />
<br />
If you write a long one, copy and paste it into a back-up Word doc or such before you click anything... I learned that one the hard way.<br />
<br />
Anyway, hang in there Sister. It's worth it in the long-run.<br />
There is also happiness to be had in this life... From personal experience I know this to be true!<br />
<br />
I also found the hard way that no-one but you can fix your life. People can help by offering support, encouragement, therapy etc. But in the end, it comes down solely to the action YOU take.<br />
So far you seem to be doing very well with it.<br />
<br />
Winston Churchill once gave a speach at the graduation ceremony of a boys school that consisted of nine words.<br />
"Never give up. Never give up. NEVER give up." He lived with bipolar syndrome and was still a great success.<br />
His articles on what he called the 'black dog' of depression are very helpful.<br />
<br />
I wish you the very best of good fortune, health, happiness and long-life.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
M

Great job on hanging in there! And kudos for the courage it took to seek out and continue seeing a therapist. <br />
<br />
While school is important, taking care of yourself is more so. If school is causing you more anxiety, taking a break (or reducing your course load) to work on finding yourself might be a great idea. Talk to your therapist about this if it's something you see as a step toward your goals for reaching your happy place. ;) <br />
<br />
There are thousands of others out there going through similar things. In time, everything will get better. Keep your head up. Do things that make you feel comfortable and happy. Challenge your fears in a way that empowers you and helps reduce your anxiety. Compliment and reward yourself when you do something good for yourself. <br />
<br />
Keep up the good work. ;)

Hi,Ciao i know yor feelings .i can almost drectly relate to your feelings,i am also pursuing my masters in america..currently in fall...even i have bunked a lot of classes and say to my parents that i have good grades.Apart from this even i have some other problems plz check my experiences and comment on it.

Do you know that this is a spirit that has took a hold of your life and it keeps on creeping in second by second.<br />
You might think after reading this that I'm crazy,<br />
but I know about these things.<br />
Me being a preachers wife I encounter these things all of the time.<br />
When you start having these feelings of wanting to end it all.<br />
Just remember this <br />
Just start calling on the name of Jesus.<br />
My little sister <br />
Feeling so alone is one of the worst feeling that anyone<br />
could ever go through in there lives but it also says in Gods word that<br />
"He'll NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR EVER FORSAKE YOU."<br />
and that "HE WOULD STICK CLOSER THAN ANY BROTHER."<br />
Get back with me I would like to here from you.<br />
<br />
MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!

Do you know that this is a spirit that has took a hold of your life and it keeps on creeping in second by second.<br />
You might think after reading this that I'm crazy,<br />
but I know about these things.<br />
Me being a preachers wife I encounter these things all of the time.<br />
When you start having these feelings of wanting to end it all.<br />
Just remember this <br />
Just start calling on the name of Jesus.<br />
My little sister <br />
Feeling so alone is one of the worst feeling that anyone<br />
could ever go through in there lives but it also says in Gods word that<br />
"He'll NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR EVER FORSAKE YOU."<br />
and that "HE WOULD STICK CLOSER THAN ANY BROTHER."<br />
Get back with me I would like to here from you.<br />
<br />
MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!