Another Long Night Ahead
Once again I cannot sleep, all the demons I just barely keep in check during the day come rushing out the moment I close my eyes. The isolation, the big empty bed which I have occupied alone for far too long, the sense of failure, the overwhelming hopelessness... all moving in time to the inexorable tick, tock of the clock.
In the past I could meditate, or read a book to draw my attention away from the demons, eventually sleeping. As of late nothing works, nothing drives them away... so I lay in the darkness, watching them circle around me, ringing me in tighter, and tighter. My nights feel an eternity, dragging on for ever, sometimes feeling like the next day will never come. When morning does finally arrive, I am exhausted, getting out of bed requires all that is left in me.
I don't know why things are getting worse, but they definitely are. Maybe its just that I am getting older, and the blind faith that life will magically come together for me is fading, replaced by barren hopelessness.
I remember when I was a child, reading science fiction novels, thinking I would like to live forever just so I could see all the amazing things in the books come to pass. Now, that same thought now makes me shudder. My big fantasy these days is to go to sleep one night, never waking up again.