Another Long Night Ahead

Once again I cannot sleep, all the demons I just barely keep in check during the day come rushing out the moment I close my eyes.   The isolation, the big empty bed which I have occupied alone for far too long, the sense of failure, the overwhelming hopelessness... all moving in time to the inexorable tick, tock of the clock.

In the past I could meditate, or read a book to draw my attention away from the demons, eventually sleeping.  As of late nothing works, nothing drives them away... so I lay in the darkness, watching them circle around me, ringing me in tighter, and tighter.  My nights feel an eternity, dragging on for ever, sometimes feeling like the next day will never come. When morning does finally arrive, I am exhausted, getting out of bed requires all that is left in me.

I don't know why things are getting worse, but they definitely are. Maybe its just that I am getting older, and the blind faith that life will magically come together for me is fading, replaced by barren hopelessness.

I remember when I was a child, reading science fiction novels, thinking I would like to live forever just so I could see all the amazing things in the books come to pass.  Now, that same thought now makes me shudder.  My big fantasy these days is to go to sleep one night, never waking  up again.

thisspaceletftblank thisspaceletftblank
36-40, M
3 Responses Dec 23, 2009

@Tassie: Good advice, I talked to a professional about this in the past, but did not find it helpful. I guess I just have to find a different person to talk with about this. I hope you can find some peace, have you considered seeking help?<br />
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@Crikket: I sincerely hope there are things that can help, this is bad as it has ever been, I am losing my ability to wall off the feelings of sadness, emotions are bleeding into every moment of my life. Moments of profound sadness hit hard, enough to double me over sometimes.

There are a lot of us who share your hell. You aren't alone. I think a lot of things bring us to this place of disillusionment. You don't have to suffer. There are many things that can help. Those demons aren't as powerful as you think. They may have convinced you that they are but you have the power to face them once you feel the strength to do so. The most wonderful thing is to see them fade and eventually disappear. You have a lot of life to look forward to. Keep talking about it, I know it helps to not feel so alone.

Know exactly how you feel - lots of us suffer every day and night ashamed to seek help ( well i am ) as i'm 40 years old. I lay awake all night trying to take my mind off things like getting on this computer playing games, doing crosswords anything that can put my mind me at ease. Nothing works for long as i'm the same, never thought i would see 21 let alone 40, now with each day i know i'm just getting older and nothing is helping I feel like ending this misery that confronts me 24/7, Please seek help if you are able as this is a hidden disease which many suffer.