I Cannot Decide Whether to Take Antidepressants

I have been suffering from depression I guess for the whole of my life, but first realised that this was it and put a name on it six years ago. For most of my life I have managed to keep it at bay, through self help books, positive thinking, and creating different illusions meaning I was very good at lying to myself and refusing to see what exactly was going on.
At some point my self destructive actions got to a point I could not pretend anymore I was not doing them, so I started psychanalisis. That was two years ago, and since then I have managed to understand where it all comes from: low sense of self worth, an innate hate for myself, a feeling I do not deserve to be happy and have good things in my life because my core is bad, and other unsubstatiated and stupid beliefs.
However, the realisation did not help me at all, I just got worse, because now I cannot close my eyes, I got extremely good at observing my actions and seeing exactly how I destroy all. So, as if I did not have enough guilt already, I feel extra guilt, for not managing to get rid of all the stupid feeling about myself and not managing to tame my subconcious and act kindly towards myself.
As my condition is getting from bad to worse, and as I have lost faith completely in myself that I can win this battle (and this realisation makes me fell even worse and a complete failure) I am seriously thinking of starting taking medication. However, I do not really want to, because I am afraid of how it might change me, and because my insticts tell me that is important to win the battle on my own, that my only way out is to get that feeling of achievement, that  I will never manage to gain  a sense of self esteem and self worth if  I lose this one, that I will never be able to respect myself again.
On the other hand I am so tired and feel like I have no strength left to deal with it anymore, and of course it is not only me that I suffer because of it, my child suffers too, because by destroying myself, his mother, in a sense I am destroying him, if I lose my job, he will suffer too, and even though I try to hide it, most probably he senses my emotional detachment and that I do not enjoy life, I am his role model so I owe him a better mum.
I really don;t know what to do.
alcimede alcimede
36-40, F
10 Responses Nov 9, 2007

go without medication...i know exactly how you feel. i always felt like medication was temporary releif, like a blanket for the problem so it doesnt seem as bad. eat healthy and get some exercise..you must know these are the hardest things to do when your depressed but biting the bullet and living a healthy lifestyle pays off, you have helped me alot with your story and im sure you will help others. dont be bothered by your own humanity...haha were all wretched creatures with shallow desires. you sound like an insightful person...bit of an artist at heart maybe. you would be a great mother...you just gotta try.<br />
<br />
peace and love<br />

Chears UC<br />
<br />
latest update, I started meds (Prozac what a surprise!)<br />
still sceptical about it but I just can not be bothered to resist anymore

What can I say<br />
I thank you all guys<br />
Monday is the day of the apointment, we ll see how it goes<br />
Cheers again

Get yourself on some medication! If not for yourself, for your childs sake. It's obvious that you can't conquer the problem by yourself, since you've already tried that. Why not let someone or something give you the help that you need. <br />
It's not like medication is forever(though it may be). If you don't like how it makes you feel or whatever ,you can always talk to your doctor and get on something else till you find something that works for you. It's time to stop fretting about it and DO something!!

You can't do it alone so don't even try anymore. Get a referral to a specialist and go on medication. You will wish you had done it years ago! If you can't do it for yourself right now, then do it for your child. Please. And there is nothing wrong with Zoloft. It's all about finding the right one for you. And don't listen to people when they say stuff about medication - go to the source and ask the experts. Trust someone and stick to them. Do what they say and see it through. In Australia we have a website called BeyondBlue. It's set up by the government for support. Good luck!

I'd definately recomend an antidepressant. I take Celexa or however it's spelled. Zoloft never worked that well for me, and has a bad reputation ever since the Columbine tragedy, seeing as how one of the boys took Zoloft.<br />
But I'm no psychiatrist. You should talk to yours and see what they have to say about it.

thank you nicoleal <br />
I guess it is the unknown that scares me (and a former experience with illegal drugs). <br />
At least I will go and see the guy and see how it feels. <br />
That is something else that scares me, I am not the person that can stand his ground and say no, and my partner really pressurises me to take medication. <br />
Feels like I am a machine with a broken part that it would be convinient for all around me if I just changed the damaged part. And that makes me resistant, I sort of expect to be accepted with all parts, good and damaged.

Yes, the process can be a slow one, but progress is being made, just in the tiniest increments. Medication... what can I say? It's not a cure. It take the edge off, gives you enough clarity to be able to work on the rest of you, that's all. I take meds and the only change I see is that the chaos in my head has been quieted. When I get upset, I don't blow up like I used to. When my husband and I talked about divorce the other day I did not even cry much. Ordinarily I would have been sobbing like crazy but I was calm. I hope you'll think about it.

thanks for that<br />
it IS hard to get out of bed, isn't it?<br />
I feel very much anti-counselling at the moment because it has not as yet helped me, and I am losing faith at the process, but I really do not know where to grab hold and pull myself out anymore

Its interesting...i just got prescribed zoloft and i feel anti-counselling more than anti-pills. its just like, i know all the common sense, self-talk motivation techniques, ive read some really great self-help books but when you feel so low and lacking in energy and motivation and its hard just to get out of bed, im hoping thats something medication will help....<br />
good luck on your journey:)