Existing When You Have Nothing To Live For...
Posted January 14th, 2010 at 12:54PM
I am learning how to exists, I use that word cuz I am surely not living, anyway, I am tryin to find motivation to keep going, but life brings with ever day it seems more reasons to give up. I dont know how many times I've held those pills in my hands contemplating taking them. What stops me?, well the 1st time it was my best friend and the dam police,*note to self*, send out text message after you take the pills, before, gives them too much time to call the police, something I didnt think they would do. But since they live more the 2 hours away, I thought I would be safe. (isnt that a ironic word safe, when referring to safe to kill yourself) Ended up in the hospital for a week. Anyway back to the point. Why dont I do it, well sometimes I just go to sleep and see how I feel when I wake up. Other times I think about leaving my pets homeless, or force into shelters, and more recently scare of what waits for me on the other side. Something I never feared before. I am in the angry phase, if there is one, I so dam mad at my Mom for having me!!!
I'm having issues in every aspect of my life, work, friends, family, relationship, and even find obstacles in seeking help with my mental health professionals. It took me over a month to get an appointment, and I frigging missed it I was a day late. So I reschedule and wait over more then a month, meanwhile my new meds aren't working and I need an increases, and I only had a 1mth prescribe to me. I Finally go to my primary care and get a refill. My Phyc Dr wasn't thrilled but what choice did I have, couldn't just go off my meds. So I Finally get to the day of my big appointment, with the actual Psychiatrist that I being waiting for since, September, and what do you know, they try to tell me I didnt have an appointment, like I just thought on my own Jan 5 at 3:40. Im Depressed not schizo. She said well we dont even have appointments at 3:40 only 2 and 5. Then the other office lady comes out and looks at the appointment book and says well you have someone here at 3:40, and she quietly said ..well thats not her, its someone else. Well why lie if you made a mistake tell me dont make my feel like I F'd it up! Ok done my rant! So my question is how do you just keep going when you dont what to? DO you do it cuz you dont want to hurt anyone with your death? Well I know for me, Suicide is approaching, its just a matter of...when!
The biggest let down is that my BF of some 3yrs decides to pull back form me, just what I need more time alone, more feelings of unworthiness, more despair, more loneliness.
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I read your story with interest. I can truly understand what you are going though. I was there truly. I wanted to end my life but something, I couldn't really put my finger on it, but something stopped me from taking all those pills. You know, your pets need you, as you said, where would they be with out you. They would be heart broken. They need you. They live for you to care for them. I never thought about that until someone pointed that out to me. Who would love them as much as I could? Who could give me the food they eat, who would know what kind of food? They need you. Look into their eyes, they need you.
One of the things that my Dr. told me to do was to sit down and start to write all the things that was right in my life right now, no matter how small, just write it down. Like I like my color of nail polish on my nails. I like my coffee I am drinking right now. I like my pet. He has great eyes that smile at me. He looks like they are worrying about me. I like ........ you fill in the rest of the sentence. I had a very difficult time at first and didn't start for about a week. I just couldn't bring myself to even pick up a pen to write anything. My mind was not working, it was sitting in this fog of darkness. But I started to write down little things and then I started to look around to find other things that I could find that I like about me. I didn't like anything about me really. But as I found things I liked around me I started to look and found things about me I did like. I did discover that it wasn't about what other people cared about thought about me but what I thought about me that was important.
Your friend has drawn away from you because she can't help you anymore and probably does not want to deal with your depression as it may be pulling her down, so instead of telling you the truth about this, she has moved farer away from you.
Depression is an illness that is more common than you can imagine in the world. It comes at different times of our lives and for many different reasons. And the depression you are going through probably you don't even know what is causing the depression.
I could let you to just get over it, like alot of other people but that will not solve what you need. You need support, friendship, understanding and love. You are not alone, even if you think you are. It's just at this time in your life, your just a little lost. But if you want to walk out of the valley of depression it will be you and only you who makes that choice. The doctor can give you all the pills you need and help by seeing him and talking it out, but you have to do the homework. You have to believe life is worth living. I know you don't now, but you will. You have to believe that God is waiting to give you a hand. Afterall, why do you think what made you stop from taking all those pills and the thought about your pets came into your mind? Nothing happens by chance. I am not a doctor, just a person, probably much older than you are. I only ask that you Don't give up. If you wish to reach me my blog is "3littledogs". I care. -
Existing vs Living. We all want to live and experience life. Perhaps you have known what that feels like and want that feeling again, as do I. I DO relate to how you are feeling. I also know that it is darkest just before the dawn. If you can just hang on just a little longer, the reason for this dark period in your (and my) life will be made clear. And it just may be that you will have survived this darkness to lend your expertise of experience to someone else who may be going through their dark times in the future. What keeps me going now are my daughters who need me and my cat who keeps me human. Try to count these small blessings for just what they are. Your pet is not just a "pet", he/she is your lifeline. Love it and you will find yourself again. We will get through this, I promise. I care too.
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Hi Crazy Peas,
Please take 3littledogs advice it is great....and please find a way to care about yourself, don't rely on others to be there when they can't or don't want to! I believe humans have so much more mental and emotional strength then they are condiotioned to think; just rigorously search for it babe!!! :) (hugs you) -
went through depression myself, it wasn't chemically caused, it was me and a failure to resolve issues which kept building up until they were a mass that was unsolvable, untenable and no ends to unravel like a fishing line gone haywire . Took a divorce, a lot of time alone, a lot of introspection and a couple of years with a therapist. It was worth the time and effort, not only do I like my life now, I actually enjoy it and look forward to each day. And, it was done without drugs, when the time came to an end with the therapist, I knew it, I didn't have to be told, I just walked in one day, told her thanks for listening.
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