Is It Considered Depression If You Have Real Reasons To Feel That Way?

I have never been a particularly happy person. Even when things in life seem to be all straightening out and improving, the best I seem to be able to rally is content. I guess part of me is just waiting for somebody or something to take it all away again. Now however is not one such time, in fact it is the opposite. I can honestly say that there is not one single thing in my life that is doing well, that is a positive force or a reason for celebration. I have been out of work for over a year, my health insurance is about to run out, the medications I need to take are too expensive for any but the insured and the wealthy to afford and without them, given the state of my resistance, I may have 6 months to a year at best. My relationship has never been good and lately it seems to be shifting again into more negative territory. I don't really have any friends to turn to, they either have their own problems or aren't the kind of friends where soul-baring is really welcomed. My family lives far away and I have become somewhat estranged from them. When my employment woes started about 5 years ago, it just got too difficult to see them. Christmas has traditionally been a time that no matter what else is happening, we all would meet and reconnect. I've been out of work for 4 of the last 5 Christmas's and have not felt that I have the strength to face them feeling like such a loser in life. My partner was injured in a work related accident that has left her partially disabled, in unimaginable pain every day, often unable to get out of bedfor days and unable to work . To add insult to injury, literally, the laws and liabilities in the state of California have swung so far in favor of the insurance companies that her pain and inability to work has been valued at less than the cost of a BMW. (middle 5 figures). We have run out of money, I still have no likely employment opportunities on the horizon, unemployment isn't even enough to cover rent much less any other necessities yet just enough that it makes taking some kind of bull*$#t hourly wage-slave job a losing proposition.

Given all of that, can what I am feeling really be considered depression? Sometimes in life we are supposed to experience negative feelings, it is what makes us human and allows us to appreciate better times more fully. What frightens me is the depth, intensity and duration of my deepest melancholy. I have often had dark thought in the past but invariably they would pass in a day at most and usually a few hours. Lately I have been contemplating ending my life. I stare at the yellow page ads for gunsmiths for hours, when I go out on my deck and look four floors down I wonder how long the terror would last before there was nothing more. These moods last days, sometimes more than a week. I have actually started to frighten myself with my thoughts, and I'm worried that I may act on these feelings in a moment of weakness.

MsAnthrope MsAnthrope
41-45, T
1 Response Feb 8, 2010

I guess it is considered depression. People get depressed for so many different reasons.<br />
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& I`m sorry that things have worked out the way they have for you. I`m pretty sure no one plans for things to end up that way, but life takes us where we don`t want to go sometimes. I`ve been where you are too, where things just seem so hopeless, and you just want to give up. In times like that, we`ve got to anchor ourselves. Find something and hold on to it, it`ll keep you floating, even just barely.For me, it helped knowing that I had something to live for. Having a reason to get up every day becomes such a treasure when you feel so down. I made myself get up so I could see the trees. Maybe it sounds kind of silly, but even though it was so small, it kept me going.I hope things get better for you. Please be strong :) Everything happens for a reason, I think, but we rarely know what the reason is while it`s happening.