The Fog

My muse has gone missing I cannot write more than a sentence or two and I am not going to get into how bad my oral communication is at this moment.  Something that has come clearly into view now that I am attending a PHP Partial Hospitalization Program.

 I am looking for the cause and there is a prime suspect, medication.  It help me cope with depression but it numbs my feelings completely and I have to ask myself is it worthy to become like a robot in order to not feel depressed.

I still have some emotions left like anger which is still difficult to control and sadness but strangely is Focalin that make it come out  of hiding. There is another emotion, emptiness I feel that every day like a hole in my chest like there is nothing but an abyss instead of my heart.  Also fear is alive and well, always ready to strike at any moment.

I am afraid that medication is only masking the symptoms and once I stop taking it everything will be like before, a mess.

jc2009 jc2009
41-45, M
2 Responses Feb 8, 2010

There is no perfect medication my friend. If there was you and I could not afford it. BUT it get's us started heading in a better direction and the rest is up to us.

Thanks for the comment Ken, I guess that is how medication works and it has help me deal with a difficult situation that otherwise would have surely send me to a hospital. It help me control my thoughts that sometimes are, I have to admit this suicidal. Nevertheless the feeling of emptiness bothers me but the alternative is worse.