I'm Tired

My "depression" started when I fell out with my friends 9 years ago. I was in bed and all the worst things you could think about yourself and your future, I could hear them talking and they basically said the same things. I woke up that next morning with a different feeling to the mornings before, not with a clear mind but with many fears running through my head that stay with me all day and all night. I cant even remember what it feels like to be normal or feel normal. To have a clear mind.

I have tried lots of things, exercise, diet, counseling (briefly) and reading books about depression but whether I prefer the benefits of depression or do not have the courage or am just very selfish I do not know.

I gambled heavily for most of the 9 years and am now in Gamblers Anonymous after gambling became something that was necessary to give up. It drained all my money and took a lot of time. I hoped that this would be a key to set me free but it has not been.

I am very confused about myself and the world around me and constantly questioning what to say and do but not getting answers. I have taken 4 days off work and feel tired and fatigued and I do not have much fight left in me.

szorin szorin
26-30, M
1 Response Feb 9, 2010

I fully understand how you feel... I am probably around your age, I had a reaction to a fairly traumatic series of events that plunged me into a pretty deep depression but the anxiety and isolation had been building for years. I also developed an addiction to fruit machines which luckily I don't have anymore but it cost me over £3000 in a couple of years mainly when I was a student so didn't even have the money then. <br />
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I think sometimes you have to accept who you are. Having depression can enlighten your outlook on life as at least for me it has enabled me to empathise more with people and also to try and enjoy all the small things in life... sometimes the things we just take for granted.