My Story, I Think It Might Be Something Else More Then Depression

        So i thought I would reflect on what ive been going through, right now I feel fine but I've never felt truly happy or even loved at times, I have a great family and friends, but ever since high school and even some in high school ive started to change into something I dont even recognize or like at times. I've only had one or two girlfriends and I spend most of my time on the computer, figuring out ways to fix or change me, usually and typically spiritually but not always. This is the second time ive gone through depression, the first was when I was 15 or 16, now im 22, I feel as if things havent gotten much better since then. I feel as if im very bright but just really socially awkward, I have been ever since I was really young. I feel as if I have no common sense or independence im always asking for input, I like comedy a lot and used to have a good sense of humor but not anymore. I think some problems might have to do with my diet change but not sure.

      I started eating paleo//primal for about 4-5 months and have continued to eat as such, its very low carbohydrate and when I started getting hardcore into it, I felt really out of it, and almost like my personality and things went downhill. Ive lost close to 60 lbs over about a year span but cant seem to lose more weight. I feel anxious, nervous around others and im working on getting better with people, but its really hard for me. I cant seem to get upset or anything though, in the past when I was about to get upset, even at work i just wouldn't let it out. I used to be positive and have always been into self help, spirituality, martial arts, etc. but not anymore. Doesnt seem likeI have the money, time or even energy or want to do anything anymore.

    I cant seem to really open up to about anybody about this either, its like im not myself, haven't been myself in some time, and feel as if things are just falling apart. Sometimes I think its just me wanting attention or not wanting other people to worry, Ive always had a hard time connecting or opening up to people, ive just pretended things are okay, and cant help that im very sensitive to some things. I dont open up to my parents or brothers much and feel as if I spend a lot of my time/life just wasting away. I dont know If I should end it but i dont want to put myself through that pain, or others through the pain. I just feel like my job sucks, I didnt want to work there for that long and though I pretend or act like Im okay a lot of the time im not. :( I always feel insecure about a lot of things in life either, and i used to escape by using videogames or spending time online or at computer, i know I need to stop but I cant or I cant open up to other people. I think sometimes Im just going insane or crazy. 


jens111 jens111
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 10, 2010

hang in there hun. I know the feeling........