More Lexapro Please

So the story goes...

I sat in class that day. My heart beating out of my chest. What do I do? How am I possibly going to make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute without screaming and running out of here, into oncoming traffic. Just breathe, Sy, it'll all be over soon. But I can't, they're staring, they know my head isn't on straight today. They know this charade has gone on long enough. They know. They know.

Now I'm sitting in the counselor's office. Time to plan my future? Time to confess what's going on. Time to let them all know about the thoughts going on in my head for the past few years. They've become intolerable lately. I can't even sleep. Haven't slept for days really... If I'm not running around in a fit of anxiety, I'm sitting in the closet crying wishing the world away. This needs to stop so I can capture what's left of my sanity.

I don't know what set me off that day. I don't know why I finally broke down and asked a professional for help. My mother couldn't be bothered with me. My brother was long gone. It was just me keeping up a mask so my Grandparents wouldn't worry. The counselor sent me to the doctor, the doctor to the psychiatrist (who was a horrible person I'd like to add) and from there, numerous counselors. The first one set me into a greater panic that even drugs could not control. But the third was the one that helped me. She became my lifeline. She was truly a great person. My mother eventually got jealous of my relationship with the counselor and decided that I no longer needed counseling or the pills the doctor had been prescribing, in ever increasing doses.

So here I am, 5 years later, still severly depressed and mildy sane but I try to live one day at a time. So far, not working well. I'm sure if this continues I'll have another breakdown and be forced to seek help.

Sorry for the weird tale, my mind is in a scattered state of late.

Laria Laria
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 11, 2010

you are an amazing writer. i felt like i was there for a split second. Ive never been more captivated by a story before. I hope things get better and I know i cant help anymore than just a goodluck and a few prayers...but i will pray for you. God bless and do what makes you happy sweetie.

when you are ready, stop letting people judge you<br />
you are wonderful the way you are<br />
don't let them down you the way they did me<br />
trust me, in ten years you won't care what they think.<br />
do what makes you happy<br />
God bless you

oh Syri, no need to apologise for sharing your experience. thank you for expressing your feelings far more eloquently than i could. You described my feelings when in a job I didn't want to do, in a place I didn't want to be, in a life I didn't want to live. kept telling myself just to get through each minute at a time but it didn't help. I could feel the watching eyes and the knowing.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure if this book will be of interest to you also but I'm re-reading 'change your thinking, overcome stress, anxiety & depression & improve your life with CBT' by Sarah Edelman. This one has good, clear explanations and examples. I've read some fabulous books to get back on track but this ones' helped me look at my beliefs behind my thoughts so helps me change the feelings & reactions. i've borrowed it from the library but will get my own copy now as feel it's one that i'll re-read throughout a lifetime.