Childhood Causing Depression?

Although I recently got accepted to an ivy League school, got a full scholarship among other good things, I'm deeply depressed.I feel deep emotional pain everyday. Whenever I think of myself in terms of my accomplishments, I feel stupid for being so depressed: I was never physically abused by my parents and never experienced poverty. Yet when I get depressed, I'm more than 100% sure that its because of my childhood. 

I was an extremely happy kid. I was even the most "popular" guy during grade school. But something happened, that changed me completely. That something is what bothers me, because I think I was raped. I can't remember exactly what it was. I just have incomplete memories of what might have happened. I'm not even sure it was rape (the person who did it was 12). 

I keep blaming myself for what might have happened. Moreover, I keep believing that even if it was a rape, that it didn't affect me at all. Yet I feel sadness the whole time, although not directly from the rape.

Also, my mom was a neurotic when I was a child. I remember "bits" of her yelling at me, locking me in my room and always blaming me for her stuff. These are probably the most hurtful memories because I know that my mom loved me, so I don;t know why he did those things. 

Everyday that goes by, I get more and more certain that there IS something that happened in my childhood that's haunting me . I want to know what it was, so I can finally stop feeling so depressed , so low, so useless.

possiblymaybe possiblymaybe
18-21, M
Feb 12, 2010