Everyday I Die A Little (trigger)

Risen from the hell ,i call sleep i go downstairs to the kitchen,and take my meds ,,i make a cup of tea and sit on the little sofa we have in our kitchen ,,the feeling of fear is already risen by this time around 6am ,,,i sit and look out of the window ,knowing i must soon step into that strange world were i dont belong ,,i must endure the people with there strange expressions on there faces ,,i think they call this happinness ,,and something they communicate with called smiling ,,,,this warm world holds nothing but anxiety and hopelessness for me ,,,my drink is finished so i lay down for a short while ,,,the tears gentle as they are sting my cheeks ,,just for a few moments i weep ,but every morning they visit me ,,soft tears and that gentle wish ,so quiet and calm ,but so deep and haunting ,,i think of my wife ,,and how she would greive for me ,,and the wanting to open my wrists and feel the warm liquid of my life trickle down my hand ,,,and onto cold tiles ,,leaves my mind ,,,it will return with the cycle of another day ,i rise and do what i have to do be a husband and a father ,hidden within my soul i carry my weapons ,,my many masks ,i must wear to perform these dutys ,,,my mask of happiness ,and my smiling mask ,the mask of concern and the mask of careing niehbour, but the mask of loneliness and can never be removed ,the burden of having to be all these things tires me ,wearing the many masks of deppression is as hard as living with the illness itself ,,even in this pain i must please those around me ,,the day is over at last ,my only pleasure is listening to music so when i go to bed at 7pm i listen to rock for about three hours till i fall asleep and then the dark one takes me and the things i see in my mind are unspeakable things from a world you could ever imagine ,then i wake at around 4 am ,and realise ive got to do it all again in 2 hours ,so i try and stay awake because i know if i fall asleep those 2 hours will turn into 2 seconds and the day i dread so much will begin again once more ,and with each day the strain on my heart and soul is so much that alittle peice of me breaks off and falls to dust ,another small peice has died and is carried away by the winds of time itself ,so now it is music time and i must turn and leave you my freinds soon the demons will take me and the cycle will be complete ,,no days or nights just a continuam with differant shades of light ,there is a simple solution to these problems i have to endure ,,,Death,,,but im kept here by the love of my family and i love them without reserve ,,but wishing to leave this torment and  be trapped in this hell i call my life must be part of the punishment ,,,,bye for now ,,xn728 slowly turns and walks back into the darkness ,his sentinal the visitor takes his hand ,,,and together they walk into the dark abyss were the demons and their cohorts wait to take him down   ,,,,,,,thankyou xn728

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26-30
Feb 13, 2010