I Dont Know...

My world is even more wonky than it was last week...

I've now pretty much reached that point of some sort of vague acceptance, ever since things clicked into place 5 years ago I've just been laughing, joking and trivializing what happened to me as a child to the point where it didn't even exist. It was just something that my mind has made up due to my frustration as to why I'm suffering mental illness NOW so concocted this thing to explain it... But sadly no, coincidences don't happen to that magnitude.

I was supposed to phone and request to see my medical records on monday, I told myself i was going to - but couldn't. If nothing is there then I can rule out that it was documented, but why didn't mum do anything if it was documented? Why didn't she ANYWAY - she was told, and explained it away as a lie.... Like ive tried to do. 

Telling my therapist was worse than telling my friend - at least shes a survivor too - this was a professional, knowing every twitch and glance relating to my mood.... I felt safe, but sick, like i wanted to just stop talking and say that was nothing... But i feel a little lighter now its not just in my head, she told me that im starting to feel now, because I can objectify, and observe and analyze myself all day-every day but never connect to the emotions.


I just dont know I want to do any of this... Its going to hurt. It could change my whole life if I find that mum knew and did nothing... After what we've been through together, to keep that from me would break me... Its not my fault I want to avoid breaking myself again. 

Irretitus Irretitus
Feb 14, 2010