Wasn't Always Like This...

My name is Kayleigh. I'm 16 and currently a Sophmore.

For years now I have had severe depression and anxiety.

It wasn't always like this.

. When I was a little girl I was like other little girls my age. The ones who played with their friends every day outside their house and were princesses on Halloween. I was a happy little girl who always smiled, even though her daddy was overseas and her grandma who was her best friend, was deathly ill with cancer. I was the girl who said 'don't worry. It'll all be okay' and looked to the bright side instead of the bad. But then my best friend died (my grandma) and although my dad did come back from overseas; thngs just weren't the same and I knew things would never be the same again. Perfect.

All my friends moved away, instead of my best friend who was more like a sister to me then anything. It worked out because her mother was my moms best friend as well. Intil, she stole alot of money from us, and we found out because she was running from the cops. She and my mom had to go to court and that was the end of that friendship. And also the end of me and my friends because after that she had to go away and I never even got to say goodbye. I haven't seen her in eight years.

But, my depression started a couple years after that. I was going into teenage hood, when I got very sick. I went to so many doctors. All in my town. And then those lovely trips to the hospital every week, where they tested me for everything possible and everything came back negative; by the time they noticed my depression I had visited every floor of tha hospital and remembered many of the doctors and nurses faces. Their looks were all the same. 'Poor girl. Poor child' I hated that.

I knew why I was depressed. My grandma's death. My father missing out on most of my childhood. The friends that were there during my childhood disappearing, as if into air. Other things I soon remembered years later, that i'd rather not remember because they just make things worse.

They then diagnosed me with Mono. Mono of all things! Known as the kissing disease, and I had never even kissed a boy yet! I found out it utterly hilarious in a sick twisted ways. My early teen years were ruined because of something such as mono! And doctors that poked and prodded at me every week. I swear they took more blood then I'd ever thought was possible to be taken from a person without them dying right then and there!

My mono caused me to get further into depression, and my anxiety. I also had very bad asthma which did not help at all. I remember having to lay in bed everyday, waking up in and out of fevers. And then those days when I couldn't take it anymore, feeling this horrible! I thought of suicide. What were the easiest ways to get rid of the pain. At the time, i didn't know what it was called, but i soon learned. Self-abuse. Those years, well; that year was the worst of my life. It's hard not to look back on it, and wonder how I ever got out of that darkness.

But, I did. I don't know how or really when. But slowly, i did. The medicine they put me on helped. I still have to take it, and although it doesn't help as much as it first did; it still keeps from laying in bed all day, sleeping.

New friends have helped too. I've recently lost many, but the ones I still have, that have stayed with me. They're the ones that keep me going. Everyday I think of this darkness. This depression, and everyday I still have to fight not going back to how it was a few years back.

It wasn't always like this. Having to struggle everyday just to live happily. But if it's what I have to do; then fine.

I refuse to go back to the worst; I'll fight this everydy; but it helps to know I'm not alone in the battle.

(:

 

MidnightDreamer11 MidnightDreamer11
18-21, F
Feb 14, 2010