Depression Consumes

When I was little, I never understood why someone would want to die. I never understood what it was like to be filled with so much pain that a person just wanted it to be over, to end it all. The world back then was so easy, so careless and free without a weight on my shoulders.

 But now, so much has changed, and being in this position, I now understand what the obsession with death is like. I know what it is like to see hatred and worthlessness when I look in the mirror, to be so far down it doesn’t seem like you can fall anymore, until you are prove wrong and you fall deeper. I know what it’s like when pain gets so close that it is no longer the enemy, but rather a hand you reach for just to get through the day. When expectations fall, you are no longer surprised, but instead, waiting for it to happen. You get ‘commended’ on your ‘bravery’ to speak out, when in reality, it’s just another weakness they can use against you. You are constantly in defense mode, and at any moment ready to shield and attack, but nothing can prepare you to defend against yourself. You try anyway and decide just to put a wall around yourself, so no-one has the chance to even try. It may not be easier this way, but it is less painful. 

hurtandpain hurtandpain
18-21, F
5 Responses Feb 16, 2010

Sometimes when you think there's nobody, you are missing what is around you. Sometimes when you focus so much on yourself trying not to mess up or to get through things, you don't notice that there are people there beside, or you are so far down that you don't even want to look. BUt, there ARE people there, you just have to reach out, and if that person doesn't want to know or listen, find someone else, there will always be someone

but how do u go on when u have nobody?

xn728, your thinking is so deep and beautiful, it made me cry to be honest. My thoughts like this usually stay hidden from everyone else, but I made the choice to share this. It hurts so much to go through this, most times I just don't know what to do. It just seems so easy to kill myself, but it's not just because of the pain, I hate the person I am, and as long as I am me, I am stuck. Thank you for shring that with me, thank you so much.<br />
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bloodmoon, I don't know if I CAN pick myself up, believe me, I've tried, but failed everytime.<br />
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needafriend7, I know what you mean when you say it gets worse by the day. I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are

its true ive suffered all my life and let alot of things go still end up sad sorry crying all the time never happy its always something i suffer with bipolar it runs in my family but i never knew until i got older i really suffer now its true ur fighting ur self everything u do uthink its gonna make uhappy but please its gets worst by the day i feel like im stuck in a black cloud that feels like its stopping my breath i just really dont know what else is left 4 me??????????????

Those thoughts follow so many of us. It's up to us to pick ourselves back up from the deep dark trenches.