I am as a matter of fact somewhat drunk tonight.  It is not the first time that I have been like that in the last year but tonight was different because I felt even more depressed than before starting meds and I thought it is the medication masking the symptoms or it is just the alcohol.  I felt as worthless as ever and those suicidal thoughts came back and I am thankful that I was aware of what was happening and I stop drinking immediately.

Now a question remains which one is the real me when I am drunk or when I am medicated.

jc2009 jc2009
41-45, M
2 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Thanks for your comments, Perduicitte you are right about medication and alcohol being crutches and I hate it but for now there is nothing I can do but to keep taking my medication to keep everything "under control" and have a couple of beers from time to time to feel alive. <br />
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theghostinthemachine, I do have my reservations about medicine especially when most psychiatrist are just legal drug dealers of the pharmaceutical establishment without regard of the patient wellbeing. <br />
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xn728, I do need to let go I just wish I could forget everything but I haven't found a way to do it.

I understand Not wanting to take meds, I have a fear of the medical industry. I have seen the way they heard people thru courses in school and have experienced the death of my sister because some pinhead nurse slammed her full of the wrong blood type. When the doctor brought me and her family to tell us her situation (sometimes I pick up on what is thought and not spoken) I could feel the doctors major concern was for himself and a potential lawsuite. My menititiphobia and due to bad experiences with a shrink and stepdad I can never seek medical help. I have diagnosed myself with some form of bi-polar Manic depression and possibly attention deficite. My personal solution is like what you excersiced, an awareness of what is really going on in my head, that and self discipline to compensate for extreames in mood and emotional states. When trying to calm myself with the first couple of beers I had drank in about a month I got sick as a dog from some bit of tuna I ate. really sucks when a man cant even enjoy an innoscent couple of beers. My roomate said I begged him to kill me cause he would do it right and take me out clean. Must admitt I felt foolish on hearing this. If you need to talk I try to check this site often, I'm new and this is helping me. This discusting love i have for humanity seems to keep me going... . . .