Why Am I Here

HELLO I AM 45 YEARS OLD AND HAVE MAJOR DEPRESSION SINCE THE AGE OF 5 YRS OLD. I WAS RAISED OUT IN THE COUNTRY VERY POORLY. I  HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY MOLESTED, RAPED AND ABUSE. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW I GRADUATED BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW CRAP ABOUT HEALTH, HISTORY OR SCIENCE. I AM SELF DEPENDENT HAVE TO GO SEE THE DON MY OWN AND DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY I AM REALLY THERE. I DON'T EVEN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF OR IS IT THAT I JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT LIFE ANYMORE. I STARTED WORKING AT THE AGE OF 8 YRS OLD OUT IN THE FIELDS AS A MIGRANT WORKER REALLY DID'NT HAVE A NORMAL CHILDHOOD. AS I SAID I WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED BY MY GODFATHER AND FAMILY MEMBERS. WE WERE 13 IN MY FAMILY AND MY PARENTS TRAVELS SO MUCH OUT OF STATE LEAVING US BEHIND IN THE CARE OF WRONG BABYSITTERS.  T FEEL MYSELF DIRTY ALL THE TIME. AT THE AGE OF 14 I STARTED DRINKING TO FORGET BUT THINGS WOULD GET WORST. BY THE AGE OF 17 I WAS DOING DRUGS. BY THE AGE OF 18 I HAD 3 ADDICTIONS ALCHOHOL, DRUGS AND SEX ADDICTED. I JUST FELT WORTHLESS AND DID'NT CARE ABOUT MYSELF. I CAN'T CONSIDER MYSELF A PROSTITUTE BECAUSE I DID'NT CHARGE FOR SEX SO THAT MADE ME A ****. I WAS A GOOD DAUGHTER BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR MY MOM AND DAD TIL THE DAY THE DIED. I LOST BOTH MY DAD AND MOM IN 2009. THAT REALLY MADE IT WORST FOR ME.  I WAS DISABLED 2001 BUT NEVER GAVE UP CARING FOR THEM EVEN THOUGH I MYSELF SUFFER FROM MAJOR DEPRESSION, BIPOLAR, SCHIZOPHRENIA, LONELINESS PARANOID, ANXIETY, INSOMNIA, DIABETES TYPE 2, HIGH CHOLESTROL, CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE, OBESITY, CHRONIC OBSTUCTIVE PULMONARY DISEASES, NEUROTHPHY, ARTHRITIS, LOWER BACK PROBLEMS, GASTERIAL REFLUXES, AND HAVE A RECONSTRUCTED ANKLE. NOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT AM I DOING HERE. I REALLY WANT MY SIBBILINGS LIVING THERE NORMAL LIFE AND CARING FOR THEIR OWN FAMILY. I DON'T WANT NO ONE TO HAVE DEPEND ON MY ILLNESSES. I WAS BACK STABBED BY A SO CALLED BEST FRIEND THAT I DON'T EVEN TRUST NO ONE NO MORE. THEY DRUGGED ME ADDING SOME DRUG TO MY BEER WHEN I GOT UP TO GO TOO THE RESTROOM WHEN I CAME BACK DRANK THE BEER JUST BLACKOUT. I  GOT STOLEN AND TO TOP IT OFF RAPED ME AND LEFT ME FOR DEAD. I ATTEND AN ADULT DAY CARE AND COME HOME AND ISOLATE MYSELF IN MY ROOM. PEOPLE JUST STARE AT ME WHEN I GO OUT TO DO MY ERRANDS AND I REALLY HATE THAT. MY FAMILY JUST FEEL SORRY FOR ME I DON'T FEEL LOVED BY THEM. I HATE GOING OUT IN PUBLIC AND WHEN I DO I GET REALLY STRESSED OUT. IN 2002 I MET MY COMMON-LAW WHOM CARED SO MUCH FOR ME. I TALKED TO HIM AND TOLD HIM WHAT I HAD BEEN THRU AND HE BACKED ME UP 100% AND REALLY FELT LOVED FOR THE FIRST TIME.. HE PASSED AWAY 2 YEARS AGO. WELL THIS IS SOME WHAT I'VE BEEN THRU BUT THERE IS A WHOLE LOT MORE TO MY STORY.

tequilalady tequilalady
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Yes I agree with Aussie696 you are a survivor. just never forget that you have friends on here that will always stand by you.

Hun,you are a survivor!! You are loved by all of us here on E/P...and I'm sure you'll make alot of new friends in time!! Take care♥♥

i'm sorry to hear of all that you've been through, but i see something that you may not realize. you're still here, all that h*ll and you're still here. you're going to make it, somehow, someway, you will make it...keep on moving forward.