Ik its Long But I Just Need Someone To Know, please tell me what you think?

I am 17 years old and i feel like i am always faking my emotions. it seems like my whole life everyone that i have looked up to or went to for guidance, has either suffered from emotional problems. Like my mother she is always there for me when she can but she suffers from her own problems. Myfater would beat her every night and i would see or hear it. this went on for the longest time and i feel this is when i started to hide my emotions because i didn't want my teachers or friends to find out how bad my life really was.So i would always go to school with a smile and always making jokes. Like in 5th grade i was voted class clown. but on the inside i was always quite and just wanted to stay to myself. But when my mother finally left my father i thought that this would be the start to the life that i always dreamed of. but i was wrong, my mother met another man who was ten times worse. This man did not beat her but he introduced her to drugs and this is where my life really started to get ****** up. Every weekend they would go and and leave me and my sisters at home alone all night. now i know you'd think this was a cool thing but when you are 9 years old you are scared staying home all alone till 4 in the morning. When they would come home they would be drunk and only god knows what else and throw up everywhere. And since then my mother has become addicted to pain killers and is currently trying to get off of them. but i can see the affect they drugs have had on her mentally and physically. she to is depressed so i can never talk to her about how her lifestyle makes me feel because i know if i do it will Orly make her sad and send her back to the pills. So i would try and escape my house and go to my grandparents house. when i was younger my grandparents house was my favorite place to be. they would have party's all the time with my whole family. For aliitle bit i actually felt close to my family and felt that my life was just like everybody Else's.but sadly this did not last, for some reason my grandparents did not enjoy this life style like i did. for some reason they felt they need money and expensive vacations to make them happy. So they stopped having family parties and started to go on expensive trips and living outside their means. Now before they started theyer new life style they had gotten foster children and i loved this because they were all good kids and it was like having an extended family. but when my grandparents started to change so did the foster kids. Since my grandparents would go on all these trips the foster kids really had no boundaries, so they started to skip school, do drugs and those types of things. And since i didnt want to go home i would stay there while they were doing these things seeing everything. during this time i learned/experienced alot about sex and drugs. things that an 11 year old should not know or have experienced. I actually got high for the first time when i was 10. i did not continue to smoke but still it was a really weired experience for me. but then my grandparents decided to move to Florida to live out there dream life style and got rid of the foster kids and left me with no where to go to escape my house. My grand parents had 4 foster kids, 3 of them are currently in jail, 1 i have not seen inn years. And to top it all off when my grandparents got divorced and you know the reason why.....it because my grandfather is gay. Yea it turns out my own grandfather likes men, now i dont have anything against homosexuals but when u find out your grandfather is gay is can really give u mixed emotions.

Now after my grandparents i only had one person left to turn to, and that was my uncle. This man is like the Father i never had, because i have not really seen my Father since him and my mother have broken up. but that's besides the point, after my grandparents left my uncle moved in with us. when he moved in i was not really close with him and i really did not know much about him. i just thought he was my crazy unlce who would always pick on me. But since he shared a room with me i got really close with him. I shared everything with him and he really helped me get over alot of my problems. but i quickly found out living with him that he was an alcoholic. now pretty much everyone in my family exceptionally the male ones have been alcoholics. My none gay grandfather,my gay grand father is one, my dad is, my mom was, my aunt is, and my uncle. so i had seen how bad alcoholics could get. but i never thought my unlce could be one because he was always so funny and cheer full. but as i shared a room with him i saw how dark and depressed he was. He was a 30 year old man sharing a room with his 12 year old nephew, i never really thought about it but that would get me pretty depressed. So many nights i would be awaken by the noises of him throwing up all over the floor. And when i would have to get up and go to school i could see how he had tryed to clean it up and hide it. But through all of this i still saw him as my hero, because even though he was going through a rough time he was still always there for me no matter what. and i had never had that before. I never had someone be there for me whenever i need them except for him. He never let me down once even when he was going through one of the more trying times of his life. But again for some reason it seems that in my life nothing good ever lasts. This did not last because he met some woman on the Internet and out of nowhere just up and left. Now he didn't just leave without saying good bye but he left so suddenly. Like one day he was in my bottom bunk and the next day he was gone . Like I'm glad he left because he got married and currently has 3 children but i really needed him in my life at the time. So This is where i felt the worst, the only person who was ever there for me, the only person who i felt actually cared enough to put me first ahead of everything else left me, for another family. I dont want you to think that i am a selfish person but he was like my father. So it was like having my father just leave to start another family and leave me behind. So after that to me i saw no need to keep living, i thought that no matter what people where going to let me down and leave me. So i fell into a deep depression and to this day i still feel like i cant get out. Like no matter how hard i try to fake it or make my self feel happy i still feel sad on the inside and want to close myself off from the world. I dont know how to describe it, its like i want to want to talk to people but i just cant find it in me to care. I just dont care and i dont know why. I have to go through the whole day trying to figure out when i should be happy with people and when i should be angry with them. Im not sure if this is how all teens feel but i feel like others actually feel anger/happy when they are happy or sad, they arnt just acting out what they think is happy or sad. i dont know if that was a good way to explain it but i feel like im just an empty glass trying to make it look like im full.

Well i just wanted to tell someone my whole life story because i have never told anyone. no one person knows everything ive been through except f you just read this. So if you dont want to help we that fine just let me know that youve read this because i just need to know that someone else know whats ive been through. i just hate having to keep my whole life a secret.

buzzcatdog buzzcatdog
18-21, M
3 Responses Feb 22, 2010

I, too, have had many family members and a father who suffer from alcoholism. This is a tramatic thing to see and watch. It is a horrible diease and I feel your pain. There were times when I would just pretend to be sleeping so I would not get hurt or if someone else did I was at least aware. Being able to get this out is important. I am glad you know you need to do this. I can't promise it gets better but I can say this there are good days and there are bad days. It is one step at time that we get through them.

you have had a hard start to life.<br />
thank you for sharing your expiriance, I really mean that!<br />
starting to share will hopefully help you find some kind of releaf. Letting it out is the best thing in the world! <br />
*Hugg*

You have been through a lot for a 17 year old. I hope that by writing your story here you have unload that heavy burden from you back and can at last begin to feel again.