Depression Is Another Name For Heartache

I cancelled my therapist app. today. I know she's doing her best to help me but it's just not happening. The last time I saw her I think she came as close

to the way I feel as ever.  It scared her and I felt she didn't know what to say to help me.  She now thinks my depression is cause by something physical.

She wants me to see my internest and my endocrinologist.  I sat on it for awhile and thought it was a good idea, but as time went by I decided not to.

I saw that this was just another way to help her and all the other people in my life feel like they are helping me.

Depression has been a part of my life for many years now . I have taken all the medications in the book, been to numerous group therapies, DBT and

spent numerous times in the hospital. The last one was Oct-Nov. 2009, due to a suicide attempt. I ended up receiving ECT treatments. The only thing

it did was erase my memory , not my depression. It's been a long road and now I feel like my time is nearing a end. I'll be 55 this March and can't  do this any longer.  Each day is so long. The mental and physical pain is just wearing me down. It's so hard to pretend to the outside world that everything is fine.

I don't let my family or friends know how I feel anymore because It's getting old now and they can't help me. It's funny, looking back I grew up knowing

that I would not have a husband and family. It was just a fact and I never saw myself otherwise. I came into this world fast. I was 2 months premature and I feel I have over stayed my time and should have left just as fast.  I am not connected to anything and feel lost and unbelievable sad and alone.

I have a loving family and friends but what I have to show them isn't what I truly feel. It's an act and I am very tired of it.

What makes me so confused and hard to understand is that I don't know where this feeling comes from. I have a loving family, good friends, a roof    over my head, no money worries and a relatively good health so far. I haven't found my purpose in life and in my heart I just don't have the energy or will

to wait till one comes around.  I'm so tired and out of energy. Life shouldn't be so hard.  I know I have had a blessed life. So many people in the world would give anything to have what I have. Please, I want so much to give it to them. But for now, I'll continue to cry alone and continue to pray every night

that God takes me in my sleep and ends my pain in my heart and that I will find peace.

 

          

                   

Chaachi Chaachi
51-55, F
1 Response Feb 23, 2010

I feel for you the struggel to find the will, the hope! <br />
I wish I could give some great advice that will misticaly cure your illness but I can't !<br />
I'm 40 well nearly :) I suffered from clinical depretion for many years was hospitalised for two full years tried every pill, faith healer you name it.. <br />
I was very lucky to finaly find a doctor I 'Realy trusted' He actualy listend and worked with me. we found a plan that I was willing to try which was a combo of treatments It worked!<br />
I've been feeling good for some time now and am happy to have servived..<br />
Trust is key... <br />
I wish you the strength you already have :)