I'm Just A Girl.

Only last summer could I still see the world through bright eyes.

That last August was as hot as anything; the sun cooked us like eggs in the fryer. But my friends and I were at our best. Everyday was another day to fully savor out of the clutches of our school teachers. I was a busy teenager looking into colleges and getting some experience under my belt. I was a confident one, told a joke every 5 minutes, wrote, painted, went on adventures, took dares, and spent my nights in the backyard with a lemonade in my hand around the fire-pit. At the time my sister was preparing herself for college where each day she'd peel open an admission letter and scream "Hey guys, come quick!! I got in! Isn't this great?", flinging letters at me and grinning ear to ear. She and I hung out regularly. And in the early days of the month, when July had melted away from our minds I went on my first mission trip with my church. There we did amazing things, and my youth group became my best friends. Heck, we were all for the same thing, we all cared and we all experienced God so closely it gave us wings. There I swore in my heart that I would never be the same; I would always be happy, and kind, and I would care.

School started so abruptly, it was like walking into a wall and having the cement crumble onto me. Though a little unexpected, I walked into school confidently. I was going to make this year productive and enjoyable, and I wouldn't let my papers get messy in my locker. But isn't that what all teenagers say going into another year? And of course, it never seems to follow through. 

As the school year crept on it seemed to move slower and slower and slower. Summer gave way to fall, and then to winter. And just as everything was dying around me, little pieces inside of me would die too. I was uncannily affected by the weather. Now my parents had always been tough on me, but I never really took it to heart when something fell through between us. Right from the start I had some trouble in school. Chemistry was a big no no class. I had to take it for college, otherwise I might be turned down for not having taken a basic science course. And I had a lot to live up to; my sister decided to go away to Cornell. So my chem grade sunk lower and lower until the first marking period when my parents peered over their glasses and told me what a disappointment I was. My mom again and again brought up the class, stabbing my confidence to the death. My dad asked what was wrong with me. Why did I have such an attitude? Why can't I appreciate what I have? What's so bad about living in this house. God did I miss my sister. My best friend was gone away to college, and I could do nothing to bring her back.

FInally all my grades pulled down. My friends from the summer drifted away, concerned with the busy lives they had to lead themselves. I was just another face in school. I started messing up everywhere. I remember one night I spilled a whole gallon of water at the dinner table with guests, and my dad publicly screamed at me. Humiliated, tired, and senseless, I became someone unknown to my family. And then I lost myself somewhere. I just...became numb. Sometimes I thought, "I should just die or something," but I never had the guts to do anything. I could never pick up a knife. It's not me, I'm a coward. Even now my parents are arguing downstairs. I lost all interest in everything I once loved. It seemed like my mind had become a closed room in which all the windows and doors had been removed. I was trapped in infinite loss and sadness.

But recently I saw a ripple in the sad life I've been leading. I was invited on a mission retreat for one weekend in the mountains with my youth group. And I guess God yelled and said "Where have you been??" I don't know where I've been, I don't know. I don't know where I am. I don't know where I'm going.

My mom asked me to look into taking pills. I have a medical condition, PCOS, that sometimes leads to depression. All my sisters have medical mood disorders in fact. So it should be obvious that this is something medically wrong right? But I'd always been the level-headed one. I was the one who was going to make it out okay, without the help. I don't want my mom monitoring me with medication, saying to her friends, "Oh she's improving drastically! But she couldn't have done it without those pills...So glad I forced her to go on them." I'm not a lab rat, I'm human. 

I'm just a girl. So how do I decide the fate of my mental health? How do I keep from slipping farther into myself? And how do I become again the girl who had so much going for her?

I want to be in summer again.

itrainsinapril itrainsinapril
13-15, F
1 Response Feb 24, 2010

Thanks William, that helps some. Good advice, I'll try it out. :)<br />
-itrainsinapril