Will I Ever Start Living?

Hi everyone! My name is Monika.  I have had depression and anxiety since I belive age of 10.  Know I am 30.  Still suffering and I dont have much support.  I came to this country at age 10 with my mom, dad, and brother.  I also have a younger sister who was born here.  When we first came to this country we lived with my uncle and his family for about 7 years....which was a total disaster.  My parents had no car, hardly any money, and they worked for his business.  I started school entering 5th grade not speaking the language or knowing anyone.  For the next 7 years from age 10-17 all I did was go to school and come home.  That was my whole life.  Since my parents had no car they couldnt take me anywhere.  And I had a hard time making friends.  My parents had to walk to the store just to go shopping and my mom washed clothes by hand.  Nice uncle right? When I turned 12 my sister was born.  And I feel she became the focus of attention.  My parents had soo much to deal with they didnt have the energy to pay attention to me.  I remember one time being soo scared I pulled my mattress of my bed and slept in the hallway just so I can see my parents room.  My dad was never much support.  He himself has anxiety and is a part time alcoholic.  Never was much of a dad emotionally bit financially provided.  I feel this is where my depression comes from...maybe i got his genetics.  My sister and brother both are fine and in my eyes perfect.  My brother has always had good jobs and is a homeowner.  My sister is 18...she has friends, a bf and does great in school.  I know that my situation was different though when I was her age.  She was able to do alot of things I couldnt due to our circumstances.  I didnt start working till I was in my early 20's and coldnt go to college due to our status in this country.   That job i worked for about 5 years and got fired.  I made alot of mistakes and comments to people which were rude.  After that I got another job close to my house where I live know...been there for about 5 years.  Because of my depression I dont do as well as I should and make alot of mistakes.  But I have no confidence to try anything else.   Seeing how my sister lives I have realized my life is anything but normal.  I have created a lifestyle which is hard for me to break.  I leave to go to work a few hours early and just drive around cause I dont want to be at home...i live with my brohter.  He yells at me constantly for not wanting to do anything.  And for being lazy which I am...but honestly I have no energy to due anything and all I think about is my past mistakes and how I missed out on soo much and cant get those times back.  Everyone says I am soo pretty andsmart and need a bf.  I cant see how I can be in a relationship the way I am.  I wouldnt want to date me.  My question is.....why me? Why not my sister or brohter? The closer she gets to going to college the worst I feel.  ANd i feel it will make me more depressed and go downhill.  I dont know what is the answer anymore and I hate myself all the time.  There are people out there with depression that can have families and a career so why cant i? Will i be alone forever? Will my family ever understand? All my brohter says is there is no recorey to depression...all i can do is take mediccation.  But that doesnt seem to help.  I try to exercise but have no desire and all i want to do is sleep for 12 hours a day.  Sleeping my life away.  And I have got accustumed to lying to people.  I dont have much going on so i make up things and the worst is people believe it.  I know its wrong but my life is not exciting by any means.  So on top of depression I have become a lyer.  What is the answer? anyone know? thanks for listening

Monika

mm1212 mm1212
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2010

Hi...thanks for your encouragement. It helps. I do feel I have strength. Someone once told me she feels I am a strong person cause I never give up. Hobbies sounds like a good idea. thanks for your thoughts<br />
Monika

hey monika... life serves up some **** sometimes.... it just how it is... but i want you to thnk a little more wider... look around... pay attention... you are not alone... there are many of us suffering now i am not telling you this to say hey wake up is not u alone.. nope... i want you to see your not different... life screwed us ... u can only fail if you give up... and use your strenght... what you think your weak.. hah.. do you think your brother and sister could ve taken the rejection you did... they might not have nade it.. so what you got there sweetie is STRENGHT.. let go of the WHY...s... its your time now... just take your time... what you want to do... strt simple... hobby or somethin... thhis ep thing is a good thing so far... pick up hobbies you like or have interest in.. art sports.. books somethin... but time to shine.... take a deep breath and go.... we got life lets use it... good luck... oh we just had that convo on a verandah next to italy s waters.... see just had a date... WHAT... no desssert... sorry i aint that easy... jus playin hope you smiled there... ok.. you take care... good luck...

Thanks for your advice. I should change my living situation. I have been living with my brohter for soo long that its scary. Its almost like I never grew up and did what i needed to. And no this is not my sisters life. I cant keep comparing myself to her...everyone is different right? thanks for understanding. Nice to hear someone can. It will get better....it has to. I guess just keep fighting. take care<br />
Monika