Alone In A Crowd

I have been lucky this weekend, no crippling attacks of depression. The dull persisting depression remains. To battle a social emptiness with available means, is to add to a chat addiction. Trading one problem for another is not a solution. I don't really fear getting caught up in chat anymore and in a way that is a sad thing too. The few people who know of me might find it silly that I would get all poetic and passionate about something like simple chat with a group of mostly strangers. Chat is very time consuming and doesn't really count as time spent productively. The attractive side was that it was a social interaction, an escape from the lonelyness of life. why is it so hard to meet people. I think that people who become displaced socially and lose the really close friends they made young in life may never again have the oppertunity to make equally close friends. Other people have their close friends and don't need anymore. Perhaps these socially displaced people need to be in the company of others who are alone and missplaced. It's pathetic and it discusts me I must work so hard to find people to share my feelings with. For years and years I have done it alone, for the better part off line. I had my computer, all my programs I needed to build my dreams in 3-d. Working dilligently on all my virtual worlds, trying to teach myself webdesign, astronomy, physics (I have a love for math). Why, why do I go on. Nobody cares, nobody sees it. Searching for artists to share ideas with for collaberative work or to inspire each other. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Theres nobody out there, and it's killing me. Little by little the immature childlike love and fascination of everything is drying up and will blow away. I don't know how to fix this. three or so months ago I attempted to go into art-room-1 in yahoo, surely I could meet other creative minds. I am more than willing to hear about others interests, goals,projects, dreams. I attempted to translate arabic to see If the many scripted languages that dominate the rooms these past years were of a creative nature. They were not. I was called an idiot by a very hateful person and a pin head twit for even thinking of discussing art. "like pulling wings off a pesky gnat" this person said as jibes and insults came from the room his friends the regulars. This person and his cohorts went on to persue me for two weeks or so, changing my passwords, rearranging my statements and ******* a contact off in my facebook. Finally I went to art-room-1 and begged an appology the harassment subsided. I have learned my lesson about going into yahoo and trying to "talk" about anything. I don't want to grow to be bitter and hateful. It,s more important now than ever to maintain the person that I try to be and not be drug down by the amount of hate out there.I know this when comes time to sell the art and if a prospective buyer wishes to know why I did this or what made me think to do that. I have NOTHING to tell NO COMMENT, Dont like it don't buy it. They can bite my ******* ***. I'm tiered, I'm sad and I'm alone. I work hard on my art. I dream about it while I sleep. I wake from sleep and jump on it. It is the ONLY joy life brings me. If, in here, another one there is. Another tourtured soul who has but a simple wish to share, a love and passion to create. Then know there is somebody else out there who will listen or see your work, someone who understands and cares.

theghostinthemachine theghostinthemachine
41-45, M
3 Responses Feb 27, 2010

I heard once that "depression is sadness turned inward" (or words to that effect). Turn the sadness OUTWARDS, give it space, and it will leave you. It might not be quick, but it will help!

I found your story to be very interesting. Can relate. Different circumstances, but feel like we often are on the outside of this world looking in through a window seeing it so differently from the rest. Few seem to relate. Don't know if they are incapabale or just complacent. You are a deeper person than the average person and it shows. Hateful responses just shows how the rest see that and are threatened by what they see you possess that they fall short of. It isn't easy being set apart for your positive differences whether it is your I.Q. or artistic talents, or so on, but it is clear you are one who is. Embrace it. It makes you special and not just one of the crowd. Don't let them tear you down for outshining them. They just want you to be on their level when in fact you are much more.

the idea of sending story to freinds was a good one but at the root of my problem.