Tears In The Night

I suffer from depression doctors just want to mask you illness with meds. no one really listens

my life was ruined by  a childhood expierence that affected my adult life and cause many many many

years  of  misconduct, abuse, and many partners. i was looking for love in the wrong way and since

i was always told i was stupid and no one believed me. i grew up believing i was nothing. i'm almost

60 years old and still feel rejected/i am alone , and miserable.i cry every day and fell guilty for being such a bad

person or a awful child. its funny the person who caused my problem is in prison for molestation of minor

children if they had listen to me maybe many a child would have been saved and i feel responsible because i was

told i lied the other girl who was affectd by this trauma from him and  her brother who is a registered sex offender

he isnt even allowed to be near his own granddaughters .   she  waslucky  she met a wonderful man and got married

i however became overwhelmed and  some really bad experinces. I sometimes wonder why God love me...

because I cant love myself.

 

luvharry luvharry
56-60, F
1 Response Feb 27, 2010

I hope you realize you are not responsible for other people's actions. It sounds like you bravely spoke out against this person who molested you and you say they didn't believe you. If you were a child, and I suspect you were, it is not your fault this person hurt you so awfully. You cannot control his actions and therefore are not responsible. Also after bravely speaking out when others called you a liar that was there fault for not believing you. It sounds like you did all you could to bring this person justice and prevent it from happening again. It is totally understandable that this would affect you for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry this has happened to you I can only imagine the horrible pain you are going through. I know I found cognative therapy really cheap at a local college. Actually my best friend found it for me, she was afraid she would find my hanging by a rope one day. If finances are an issue I would try a college and see if they have a psychology training program, where a student would see you under the supervision of licensed psychologist. Ask your friends and family to help you. I know it can be difficult but they will do what they can to help you. Don't be shy. You would probably do the same if the shoe was on the other foot. Also I highly recommend the book Feel Good Feels Wonderful by Dr. Burns. While I think you should see a professional therapist still this book is an excellent starting point until you can find a therapist and as supplemental material in between visits. I also agree with the other poster in that pain you have experienced will make you more understanding, empathetic, and patient with others.<br />
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Lastly give yourself credit for the good things you do get done. There are days sometimes that all I get done is a shower and eat leaving the dishes in the sink and all my housework undone and I have to tell myself that at least I got this much done instead of doing absolutely nothing. I think those of us with depression don't give ourselves enough credit for the positive things we do.<br />
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Good luck!<br />
<br />
Burgandy