The Medicine

What I hate most. I wish I could just be me. I hate knowing that I have to take pills just so I don't kill myself. Just so other people can tolerate being around me. So... I stopped taking my medicine. I know it's stupid, I know it'll mess up my body. But I don't care. I want to prove the doctors wrong. I want to be me AND be happy. If I take my medicine tonight and die in a crash tomorrow, will I really be dead? How can I be dead if it's not me that died? But how can I live if I spend every day wishing I were dead? Who has the answers?

strange1 strange1
22-25, F
4 Responses Mar 1, 2010

Thank you all for your comments. I feel the need to elaborate a little more though. I'm not sure if explaining this will work to make my point, but maybe it can give you guys a little more insight, so here goes. Last summer, a few weeks before the end of school, I got into a huge fight with my parents: Nothing new at all. I got so upset that I cut and I was going to commit suicide (again, not new). I ended up in a psychiatric hospital called The Meadows where a doctor talked to me for a few minutes, hardly listening to me at all, decided I needed meds. I started taking Prozac, 10 mgs, at the hospital. A week later I got so upset I wanted to kill myself again. The doctor said more meds. I've been on 20 mgs of Prozac since then. I never noticed a difference when I took it, I'd still get upset over tiny things and cry myself to sleep almost every night, but I didn't want to tell him that. I've never liked taking medicines; I feel they take over something the body needs to handle alone. I knew he'd give me more medicine. So I faked being okay. I put on a smile and told the councellors I felt fine. I got out of there after two and a half weeks, but never felt better. Back at my house, I took my medicine like I was supposed to, but then every now and then I'd forget. My parents claimed I acted different with the medicine, that I was "better". When they didn't mention anything changed when I'd stopped taking it, it just confirmed my belief that the medicine didn't "fix" anything and that it was just to turn me into someone they wanted me to be. I'm not living with my family anymore, but I still get depressed, just like before. I'll be honest, I haven't always remembered to take my medicine, but when I submitted this story I had decided to not even try to remember anymore. This comment "I think the meds are to help with a chemical imbalance. It is suppose to balance it out so you can be yourself." by myellakane kinda spoke to me the most, but I still can't convince myself that I'm not me without the medicine. More advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank You All

well what if just cut the amount of pills your taking in half would that hep

This raises something that I have wondered about for a long time. <br />
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When I got put on meds (Efexor) I wasn't convinced I needed them, and I guess there is nothing unusual in that. The thing that surprised me though was that suddenly people treated me differently. My wife, who frankly tormented me, stopped being a pain in the arse, at least for a while. Others also followed, and it got to a stage where the people who made life most difficult would all stop being arseholes if I told them I was on meds. <br />
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I find this bizarre. <br />
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Also, in all cases they left me alone for a while, then got even more unpleasant in their behavior. <br />
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It is like they had their view of me validated by the meds, then went back to "type" by being the way THEY are. <br />
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I think about this a great deal, and I am convinced that while we ("The Medicated") are on a journey of self evaluation and self examination, it allows others the perfect excuse not to look at there own behavior. <br />
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I sincerely believe that many of those around me found my "issues" the perfect excuse to turn attention on another, so that no one looks to closely at THEM!<br />
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If I stopped taking the meds tomorrow, and simply didn't tell anyone, I believe I could hold it together, but the major influencers around me would more than likely drive me under. <br />
Please feel free to let me know if you think I am just making excuses, or that I am kidding myself?

I think the meds are to help with a chemical imbalance. It is suppose to balance it out so you can be yourself. I know what you mean though, feeling like you have to edit everything you say or do, because someone might dislike you, or judge you. If you feel like your a zombie, then have your doc adjust them. Speaking from a personal experience I have a family history of depression, and my mum came off her meds all at once for her depression, and she tried to kill her little dog and then she was going to kill herself. I took her to get help and she went crazy, yelling a people, telling me she hated me. NOW that she is back on meds, she is able to be herself. Please be careful.